On this week’s Gossip Girl, B and S had tea with a friend of the Yale dean (Jesus, Blair, just go to Stanford like Jessie for Chrissake) who only had eyes for Serena. In an effort to get Blair (who was dressed like one of the Rockettes) into the lady’s good graces, Serena told Mrs. Eli McCheatsalot that Blair would take her adorbs daughter to the movies and maybe having a Hogwarts-style gallivant through Central Park. Except that wee Emma is a total screaming wannabe ho-bag. So Blair, Serena, and Chuck spent the night chasing after a very dirty version of Eloise. Serena, meanwhile, was still distracted by the twerpy kaffiyeh-wearing artist from last week, who has ladies all over him. Figures.
Cheer up, Rufus. You're a terrible father, but at least you're pretty.
Over on the Little J Sucks So Much Show, Nate and Jenny made out some more and it ended up on GossipGirl.net (is it me, or has the namesake website kind of fallen by the wayside lately? We haven’t seen much of it since those three little ponies of the apocalypse told Dan and Serena whose team they were on in episode 3. It’s like if your loyal TiFaux editors started watching shit live) so of course Dan found out. And then Vanessa found out and gave Nate her I’m-so-disappointed-in-you eyes (which doesn’t make a damn bit of sense because she knows that he was sleeping with the Marquise of Duckface like, a month ago). And they found out because Jenny and that dreadful moddle twat from last week, Agnes, decided to crash Lily and Bart’s philanthropic honor shindig with an electroclash “guerrilla fashion show.” Because 15-year-old Jenny is starting her own fashion line. Made entirely of things Kenley would have dismissed for having too much tulle. Barf.
Michael Kors says this looks like she's been disemboweled.
It’s an actual fact that I am too old for this show, but I don’t usually feel it as acutely as I did this week, especially during the fashion show (it helps to say that in the voice Sandi from Daria used to say “Fashion Club”), which Vanessa and Nate appeared to find daring and outré but I thought was childish and destructive. And loud. Turn that shit down, you brats! Oh wait, that’s my TV. Dammit. See, Rufus and I have lots of things in common. We both can’t play the guitar. We both think Jenny’s a spoiled brat. We both need a haircut. We both adore Lily. We should be friends. Call me, Rufus. I will make you an adjective again!
Also, did Blair call someone named Muffy a “lacrosse-stitute”? Because that is both awesome and gross. And this episode was titled “There Might Be Blood,” which makes me feel totally ripped off. I saw no one drinking anyone’s milkshake!
Next week: Jenny becomes a homeless crackhead? Ugh. Is it too much to ask for Kristen Bell to show up in the flesh and show these fools how it’s done?