It’s been a while since we last checked in with our resident Sapphic correspondents, but since the conclusion of Work Out’s third season, it’s about time we got their take on the season as a whole.

1. Marcie from Rehoboth Beach wrote in to ask: Girls, I’m going to level with you. I was really surprised that Jackie and Briana seemed to patch things up in the end. Or at least get on the road to improving their relationship. Do you think that it’ll last a year?

Sam: Yeah, thats what lesbians do. They break up and get back together again, then break up and get back together again, then break up and get back together again, did I mention break up and get back together again? You see, there are multiple levels of breaking up in a lesbian relationship. I like to think of it like Dante’s Inferno. Many different rings, many stages to go through. And it just keeps getting shittier. But no, it won’t last more than a year.

Jasmine: It won’t last. Jackie can’t trust that young Briana and, as Sam said, it will continue to spiral down into a macabre spectacle that I can only hope we will see at the beginning of next season.

2. Doug from Madison, Wisconsin asks: As someone who has lost more than half his body weight over the course of the past year, I find it really touching how all of the Sky Lab clients dropped so much weight at the end of the season. As much of a mess as Jackie is, you have to say that she’s a good trainer and getter of results, right?

Sam: Yeah, she is really good at what she does thats for sure. Her trainers are also really talented. Especially Agostina (how come there hasn’t been more questions on Agostina!?!) I’m now going to change this question to something else because dammit, its my last chance…..

Lauren from Washington D.C. writes: Sam, aren’t you madly in love with Agostina and want to make sweet love to her all night long?

Sam: Why yes Lauren, I AM madly in love with her and want to make sweet love to her all night long. Thank you so much for asking. Agostina if you are reading this, I will gladly move out there to be with you. And not in a stalkerish sort of way at all. I swear.

Jasmine: Wow. Um…Doug, to answer YOUR question, I would agree that Jackieis very good at what she does. The SkyLab section of the show is by far my favorite. I hope that other fans find as much inspiration from the SkyLab clients as I do, but I know there are some shallow fans out there that only want to focus on the drama and fantasizing about the
trainers. By the way – I hope you weighed more than 200 lbs.

3. Lisa from Denver has a query: I found myself liking Rebecca more this season than in seasons past. She wasn’t so nuts and insecure. Do you agree?

Sam: Yeah, but they also didn’t focus that much on Rebecca and her craziness cause she wasn’t with Jackie. I think if something was actually going on between them, she would’ve been the same as she was last season.

Jasmine: I agree.

4. Stu from Philly has a very direct question: So, you’re lesbians, right? What exactly do you do?

Sam: Stu I’m glad you asked that. First off, yes I am in fact a lesbian. I love my women and only understand men to do one thing and one thing alone. I’ll leave that first answer with that. As for what we do, Lesbianism is a very complicated balance between drama and power tools. We have to make sure we mess with other women’s minds frequently while building enough sheds to hit our home depot members club quota. I’ll tell you, its exhausting, but worth it. You should see the discounts I get at this store!

Jasmine: Yes. I only have romantic relationships and sex with women – that is what I do. Among other various legal and illegal activities.

Our lesbians are running a little bit late this week, so even though last night was the season premiere we still have one more installment to go after this. This week, Sam and Jasmine are ready to answer your questions. If you have any questions you’d like to ask them, next week’s your last chance. E-mail us at tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com and we’ll relay the lady-lovin’ message.

Mariah from Kansas City, Missouri sent a question in: Jackie is awful! How could she possibly think it is acceptable to read her girlfriend’s text messages so that she has ammunition against her. Are lesbians inherently sneaky?

Sam: Simple, lesbians love drama. And Jackie needs control. Therefore, she reads her girlfriends text messages. Her relationship was dull and they met the family and worked that all out so she needed something new. Seeing how they weren’t attending a womyn’s festival in the near future (by the way, Jasmine, how was that?) she needed to find something to freak out about.

Jasmine: Mariah, I knew that Jackie couldn’t keep things stable and healthy for too long. I used to not think that sneakiness and lesbians always went together, but after all the drama I endured at the womyn’s music festival I attended last week (Sam, Isle of Klezbos were phenomenal!!), I think it might be inherent.

Floyd from Missoula, Montana also wanted to pick your brains: One habit I noticed about Jackie is that she is always late. She was late to that big dinner that Jesse threw (she just strolled in with Briana) and then she thought nothing of being late to the meeting with the DVD ladies. My theory is that it is a power play — she likes people to have to wait for her so she can feel like she’s in charge. What do you think?

Sam: Yes, power play, the woman is a bitch and thinks she’s amazing but lets face it, she isn’t, we watch her because we know she is going to fall apart. Well, I watch to watch Agostina.

Jasmine: Floyd, a powerful and important woman like Jackie is very busy and cannot be expected to adhere to timetables set by, well let’s say, less important people. These people will wait for Jackie because she is that important. She knows it, they know it, and I know it.

Sebastian from Sydney, Australia put down his boomerang and Vegemite for a second to write in: G’day! Jasmine, why do you want Jackie to be in such a crazy relationship? Hasn’t she had enough of those? Crikey! And, Sam, why do you think they haven’t been featuring Agostina that much?

Sam: Sebastian I don’t know my friend. It hurts every week. I tivo all of my episodes so I can just rewind to watch my favorite moments of Agostina. She is stable and is not going to fall apart on television, she is hot and has her shit together. Unless she is out there kicking someone’s ass which is clearly God’s gift to all of us, she won’t be on television much. I mean, I could fly out there and we could have our heated love affair then she’ll be on the show more. Just a thought.

Jasmine: Sebastian, thank you for sending your question across many timezones to me. Jackie is a very important and busy woman surrounded by many beautiful women. I think if she doesn’t have some drama in her relationship, she will get bored and move on.I like Briana and hope she will learn this before she loses Jackie to another lovely lass.

Tracy from Portland, Maine finishes up our column: I love lobsters! Also, I thought that J.D. was super-cute when going on his boy date. I have a really buff gay best friend with lots of tattoos. Do you know anyone I can set him up with? Just wondering.

Sam: Glad you love lobsters Tracy. And yes, I do have the perfect gentlemen to set him up with. He’s smart, very cute, enjoys a good roll in the sack (and I would know). I think we can make that happen.

We’re really famous internet celebrities. The publicists are breaking down our doors to have us host giveaways.

You heard us right. Get the hell out of our way.

It’s true, we’ve got even more DVDs to giveaway. If you’re keeping track, that’s THREE EFFING GIVEAWAYS within two days. I feel like I should have a green jacket with dollar bills on it and a cane.

This DVD is a special one –it’s not a season of Work Out, it’s Jackie’s exercise DVD. Buy it and watch it for the hot babes. Or you can even exercise to it. Whichever you want.

Just e-mail tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com with the subject line “Jackie Warner is the new Jane Fonda” and the DVD could be yours. We’ve got two to give away, so do your darndest.

Meanwhile, as usual, here’s a clip from tonight’s season finale.[kml_flashembed /jZ96rhhI18c" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Here’s a preview of tonight’s episode.[kml_flashembed movie="/wiBR-CKi3VI" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Last week’s Work Out featured a clash of the lesbian families as Jackie’s girlfriend’s mom met her own mom in an episode presumably sponsored by PFLAG to teach us all a Very Valuable Lesson about parental love. Meanwhile, Greg-with-one-G and Renessa’s zero-body-fat romance continued to blossom and the whole gang went to see Greg-with-two-Gs band play.

For this week’s column, Jasmine is off in the middle of Appalachia for a womyn’s music festival. However, Sam managed to step out of her wood shop for a spell to answer some broader questions about Work Out and lesbian lifestyles in general.

Taking a step back, what do you think of this season of Work Out thus far? Has the dynamic changed?

Sam: I’m enjoying it so far, could use more drama and hook-ups of course. I feel like they are leading up to it and it will blow up soon enough (sneak peek for this week looks like lesbian drama goodness). The only hook-ups in this season have been heterosexual, I need some gay drama. Its bravo afterall, recognize your audience.

What do you think about other shows on Bravo, like Project Runway? These seem to be targeted toward the delicate sensibilities of gay men.

Sam: I actually enjoy almost all Bravo shows. I watch Top Chef and Project Runway. I’ve never, repeat, never watched that step it up and dance show. And you can’t make me. Okay, as for the delicate sensibilities of gay men, yeah, they are. I’ll just sit here and think of all the women that are on these shows to help get me through the day. Oh Padma…

How far do you think you could throw a shot putt?

Sam: Further than you gay boy. Further than you.

Are you sure you’re a lesbian? Maybe you just haven’t met the right man. Rebecca seemed to go back and forth on Work Out.

Sam: You know, you may be on to something. You are probably right, I probably just need to find the right man. Just like you need to find the right girl. As for Rebecca, she isn’t lesbian, she just likes sex. Just like Renessa.

Who is your favorite TV lesbian of all time?

Sam: Hmmm…need to think about this one….I do pray every night that Padma will confess her undying love for me. But as for actually tv lesbians my all time favorite would have to be Dr. Kim Legaspi (Elizabeth Mitchell) from ER. She was hot then and shes hot now on Lost, only straight, but I can still pretend. My fantasy dammit.

Since we took last week off of Ask a Lesbian, we have plenty of ground to cover. Let’s see, what did we miss?

Jackie took the whole crew, plus Skylabbers, out to a retreat where she proceeded to crush their spirits. But crush their spirits in a benevolent way so she can build them back up to be lean, mean, non-processed food eating, sugar-shunning machines. Deenie gets a psychological beat-down in group therapy and you get that she only mostly deserved it.

The trainers stay up drinking one night. Rebecca does a genius impression of Jackie (I totally love impressions that only have a threadbare connection to the subject — much like Amy Poehler’s Hillary Clinton). Renessa and Greg P. (I’ve been asked why he is so strange-looking, aside from — you know — his freakishly hulking frame. I think it’s the boyishness of his face off-set by his superhero jawline. That’s just a guess, though.) get drunk and have a totally excessive romp in the hot tub and pool. Greg doesn’t show up for the beachside work out the next morning and is summarily chewed out.

Peeler shows up at a charity event (in honor of Doug) drunk. We find out his marriage has dissolved as well. Jackie tries to talk to him and she almost approaches it like a grown-up, but when Peeler loses his temper she reverts right back to alpha dog status. Oh well.

Enough about summaries, on to the lesbians!

1. Jason from Texas asks: That scene with Renessa and Greg fooling around in the pool and hot tub was kind of porny. I thought it was really hot, personally. Do lesbians watch porn?

Sam: Before I answer this question I just want to clear up something that was said last week. I was not, repeat not, planning a potluck. My version of a potluck would include brats, beer, and charcoal. I don’t need people getting the wrong impression of me [ed note -- my apologies. And thanks, Sam, for helping me reshingle my roof this weekend.]. Now to the question, yes, lesbians watch porn. We are human and sexual. And here’s the kicker my dear friend Jason, some lesbians even watch heterosexual porn. Thats right, male and female. Crazy, huh?

Jasmine: Jason, I suppose there are some lesbians who watch porn (see Sam), but I just like to cuddle and braid my girlfriend’s hair. However, the word “porny” gets me kinda hot.

2. Paul from Delaware wants to know: Jackie was scary at that beach training! So much yelling… Why is she so mean? Is that hot?

Sam: Nope. Not hot. She’s just a pain in the ass. Okay, well, some yelling is necessary, some of these people need a good kick in the ass. But, its not hot. It would be hot of course if Agostina handled it.

Jasmine: These people went to the retreat to have Jackie yell at them and whip them into shape – at least that is why I would be there. She’s so tough, its very hot.

3. Stephanie from Michigan has a question: I thought that the whole televised group therapy thing was kind of appalling. Who would want their baggage aired on TV like that? What do you think?

Sam: I agree its a bit much. Not sure how I feel about it being on television, and the way they attack that one girl. But they did sign up to be on this show, they knew what they were getting into. And it is what sells, and hey, you watched it.

Jasmine: People love their baggage aired on TV – are you kidding? Jerry Springer?

4. Josh from Maryland asks: Jasmine, if you were to make Jackie over, what would you do to her? Sam, do you think that you could take Jackie in a fight?

Sam: Josh, I have been waiting for this question since the blog started. The answer is most definitely yes, I could could in fact kick Jackie’s ass up and down the street. She thinks shes a badass, but shes been too busy making candy bars and clothes that she is out of shape. This alpha female thing needs to be checked a bit.

Jasmine: Jackie is so hot – she doesn’t need to be made over (I’m even getting used to the longer hair). She just needs a little more drama in her relationship. Maybe an affair with Agostina would help that – Raaahr!

There won’t be an installment of Ask a Lesbian About Last Week’s Work Out this week, as Jasmine is in the middle of a fast-pitch softball tournament and Sam has been feverishly planning her pot luck all week. We’ll return next week with more insights into the wild world of lesbians and their mysterious rituals.

For now, though, you’ll have to settle with a teaser for tonight’s episode. In it, Greg (one G) and Renessa get drunk and flirt. Way to go, Work Out, for charting new reality territory.

Something to keep in mind, though. When you (and I) get drunk, we’re probably just as charming as these two are. Only we don’t look as good when we jump into the hot tub fully/semi-clothed.[kml_flashembed /FZ0BHLmWIdo" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Oh lord! The drama of last week’s Work Out. There was a girl, there was an unexpectedly inappropriate joke, there was a blow-up, there was a firing — too much for one little lesbian fitness hamlet to take in one week.

In short, Jackie’s stock is sinking fast. So fast, in fact, that sponsors are actually pulling their ads because she’s so awful.

Let’s see what our supremely Sapphic scribes had to say about this week’s adventures.

Remember, if you have a question you would like to ask about Work Out or a lesbian mystery you’d like to have solved, e-mail us at tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com.

Chester from Panama City writes: I can’t believe the blow up on last week’s episode! It all happened so quickly. Who’s to blame for this whole ugly episode — Peeler or Jackie?

Sam: I would have to say they are both to blame. Peeler pushes it too far and Jackie wants to make it very clear that its her place. And so I guess he has to take the brunt of it. Now Jackie can be the alpha male all by herself and keep the women to herself. As the way the world should be.

Jasmine: Well, Chester, as Jesse said – it is Jackie’s place and what she says goes. I’ve had some pretty tough lesbian bosses before, but Jackie is definitely tougher. As far as who is to blame – Jackie’s hair is looking very mullet like – so I say she is to blame for all of the drama. Based on hair alone.

Drake from Portland, Maine asks: I think Erika is so pretty with her huge Anime eyes. Who do you think is the prettiest trainer?

Sam: Agostina is the hottest trainer by far. Jackie is not attractive what-so-ever. Renessa is kinda attractive for that “well the opportunity is there so sure” one night stand. Rebecca, as I have stated previously, is very attractive when she doesn’t speak. Erika is alright to look at when she isn’t wearing much. I won’t get into the men, because lets be honest, I really don’t care too much if they are there or not there.

Jasmine: Drake, I agree that Erika is very pretty, but I think the quiet Agostina is the hottest trainer next to Jackie (of course).

Evelyn from Lansing wonders: The gym is a total zoo — I can’t believe Jackie gets away with it. I know she owns the place, but between hooking up with her employees and asserting her dominance at every opportunity she is getting less and less likable. Why do you think she gets away with it? Is she worse this season than in seasons past?

Sam: I think she has always been dominate at the gym because she kinda needs to remind her employees every now and then that it is still her gym. They are all kinda strong-headed (some more than others) and since she is no longer sleeping with one of them and making out with them in the bathroom, she has to assert her dominance in a different way.

Jasmine: I think she’s as tough in the gym as the past, but her new relationship is totally boring so she spends too much time thinking about the gym. She needs to spend more time getting a new haircut and getting tough with a more exciting woman.

Cindy from Utah chimes in: Do you guys think you’ll buy Jackie’s workout tape? For exercise or for eye candy purposes?

Sam: If Agostina is in it then sure, all for the eye candy. I won’t do anything Jackie tells me to do, even if its good for me.

Jasmine: I’ll get it on Netflix. Just for the workout – that’s it. Don’t look at me like that Cindy.

Previously, on Work Out:

The producers arranged for activities that would exploit the trainers for the lesbian and gay crowds respectively.

Jackie took the female trainers on a lesbian cruise so that there would be ample opportunity for girl-on-girl action as well as a hefty product placement fee for the cruise line. Rebecca seeks attention and finds it, given that the hot, hot Work Out ladies are the best thing to ever happen to that cruise. Vanessa Renessa decides to do some gay experimenting the old-fashioned way, by getting wasted and putting the moves on the worst possible person (read: Jackie). Also, Jackie confronts Erika about her suspected bulimia and everybody watching at home is mortified that this was done on camera.

Meanwhile, Peeler recruits all of the guys to take off their shirts and roll around gratuitously in the mud. It’s disgusting. Disgustingly HOT! And, in the most shameless moment of a particularly shameless episode of a ridiculously shameless series, they have thirty seconds worth of footage (some in slow motion) of the boys rinsing the mud off of themselves in an outdoor public shower facility.

And now, on to the lesbians! Well, actually lesbian. Jasmine is off this week.

 

Fabian from Lawrence, Kansas writes: OMG! I love you gurlz and I love Work Out! Did you see it when Peeler and J.D. and them were showering off after running in the mud? How can you not think that is the hawttest!

Sam: No, Fabian, I don’t think they are the “hawttest.” I’m attracted to women, not men, reason why I’m a lesbian. Get it?

Dolores from Indiana wonders: Hi! I’m a sophomore in college and I have been watching Work Out since the first season. Now that I’m in college, I was wondering if I should have my first lesbian experience. I like boys, for sure, but do you think all girls have the possibility of being lesbians — like Renessa and her fooling around with women?

Sam: Well, Dolores, first off, we need to determine a few things. What is your major? Do you live in a coed dorm? If you are women’s studies major living in an all girls dorm, you go to town and enjoy life. But please do realize, with messing around with women comes drama, whether you like it or not. Unless you can get really drunk and end up at a sorority party so that way you both can deny you had any idea it was happening the next morning. Just a few suggestions…

Jessica from Seattle wants to know: Jackie’s drama with Rebecca just won’t stop! Does lesbian drama ever end?

Sam: No, it doesn’t. It sucks.

Bruno from Albany asks: Why do so many lesbians have mullets? There were more than a few on that cruise…

Sam: My dear friend Bruno, I really have NO CLUE why lesbians insist on having mullets. Maybe they just feel like they need the hair cut so that other women know they are lesbians. Maybe its some form of mating call that I’ve been completely unaware of, like, “look out how long my mullet is, don’t you want to go home with me?”. But lets be honest, chances are if they have that hair cut, they are also wearing baggy jeans/cargo shorts, doc martins or Birkenstock’s, and a wallet chain…they don’t need the haircut, we can clearly see they are lesbians. Please join the cause and inform the next lesbian you see that has a mullet she doesn’t need to sport that haircut. I’ll do the same at my biweekly meetings at Home Depot.

Here’s a preview, if you’re really that eager…[kml_flashembed /eZ6Rb2_93Gs" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]