It’s back! Who Would Win in a Fight is back! Except we don’t believe either of these refined gentlemen would fight. If they had a disagreement, they would dance.

So this month brings back many awesome shows, including one of my old favorites, How I Met Your Mother, and featured the regular-season debut of a sure-to-be new favorite, Glee. Both feature suave and fetching fellows, and the actors who play those suave and fetching fellows are what TNT likes to call New Classics: handsome, funny, light on their feet, multi-talented. And deadly in a dance battle. Said dance battle would be legen…

Five, six, seven, eight

NPH

Strengths:

• Child stars who don’t crash and burn by age 20 are nigh unkillable (see: Mickey Rooney)
• Looks good in a suit
• Can do television, Broadway, and
• Played the Emcee in Cabaret, therefore, comfortable with mascara and pelvic thrusts
• ADORABLE
• Did we mention he can do magic?

• Weaknesses:

• From Albuquerque. Nothing awesome ever came from Albuquerque…until now
• Possibly becoming overexposed with Tony hosting, Emmy hosting in the same year
• Out of practice at hoofing after years of playing boorish straight guy on TV
• Proficiency with musical instruments unknown

• Matthew Morrison

  Strengths:

• Nominated for a Tony for The Light in the Piazza
• Getting lots of practice singing and dancing on Glee
• Now makes than Kanye
• Proximity to Jane Lynch indicates can probably cut a bitch
• Knows never to trust a big butt and a smile
• Can dance and play the guitar at the same time
• Seriously, how cute is he?

• Weaknesses:

• Was on a soap opera as recently as 2006
• Disappointed me by not still being in South Pacific when I saw it in May, waah.
• Unnaturally attached to disco
• Shrewish wife might be stifling creativity

• Who would win in a dance-off?

  …dary!

Let’s revisit the old (olde?) TiFaux favorite Who Would Win in a Fight, shall we?

Now that I’m all caught up on Battlestar Galactica, I feel qualified to weigh in on its cast of characters — including everyone’s favorite accent-masking dreamboat Jamie Bamber as Lee “Apollo” Adama. Pit him against Josh Holloway’s twangy, nick-naming Sawyer and I think you’ve got a fairly even match — two pretty boy tough guys who are pretty and tough in completely different ways.

Let’s break it down.

Apollo

Strengths:

• Seasoned war veteran
• Tough boxer, as evidenced in that one boring episode in season three
• Big ole’ arms

Weaknesses:

• Easily exploitable emotional weak spots
• Not necessarily as formidable when he’s not in a plane
• Definitely the prettier of the pretty boys

Sawyer

Strengths:

• Scary stubble and tangled tresses
• Bad temper results in a lot of bold actions
• Vendetta against the world

Weaknesses:

• Needs glasses
• All talk, for the most part
• Undisciplined; general misanthropy doesn’t always translate to fighting prowess

We haven’t gone down this road in a while, but let’s dive back in. For this match-up, let’s pair up Project Runway’s hunky draper Rami Kashou with the bumbling action hero Chuck.

At first, this might not seem like an even match-up. Given Rami’s comparative brawn, one might assume that he’d be able dismember Chuck before the lowly computer tech could even stammer out a lovable quip. However, when you think about their different lifestyles, things get a little more complicated.

Chuck’s daily life involves international espionage and intense action sequences with bullets whizzing past his head. Rami’s daily life, on the other hand, involves competitive sewing. So it might not be that easy.

Rami

Strengths:

• Grew up in Jerusalem — they make ‘em tough
• Tree trunk-like arms
• His sexuality/smoldering gaze

Weaknesses:

• Even temper might prevent him from entering a conflict
• Creatives aren’t generally known for their scrappy fighting ability
• Fashion designer

Chuck

Strengths:

• Mr. Magoo-like resilience
• He’s got a frickin’ COMPUTER in his BRAIN!
• Consistent ability to defy improbable odds

Weaknesses:

• Scared of most things
• Easily manipulated
• Seemingly helpless when left on his own

I haven’t done this feature in a while. Remember when I said it was going to be on Thursdays? Hell, remember when I said I’d be recapping Top Chef?

Ha!

Anyways, I’ll resurrect this little feature by proposing a three-way (I know what you’re thinking — “Dan, that’s your solution to everything.”). But here we go, are you ready?

Who would win in a fight between Food Network’s Molto Mario, High School Musical’s Zac “Troy” Efron and Arrested Development’s G.O.B. Bluth?

Here’s a round-up of the contenders:

Mario Batali: Don’t let his teddy bear face fool you — Molto Mario would tear you in half if he ever got the chance. Like most chefs, he is skilled with a knife and knows anatomy. He’ll exploit his competitors’ weak parts in order to go for the kill. In addition, he’s got 150 and 100 pounds on Efron and Bluth, respectively. I’m conjuring a very specific image of Mario walking around, butcher knives in both hands, with Efron clinging to one leg and Bluth to the other. Batali’s weaknesses, however, lie in his strengths — his size means less agility and heavy, lumbering steps. He’s more likely to get winded mid-battle.

Zac Efron: Sure, he’s skinny. Sure, he’s young. But Zac Efron is a dancer. He’s got the best six pack of all the competitors (seriously, Google image him). I can imagine him darting between Bluth and Batali, quickly shooting between their legs and leaping on their backs, putting them in sleeper holds. That said, if Batali lands a punch, then it’s all over. Also, Efron’s orangish hue will make it hard to blend in if there is a Predator-like game of cat and mouse in the jungle.

G.O.B. Bluth: He may not be the strongest or the quickest, but as far as pure fearlessness, neither Efron or Batalie can match Bluth. Think of the possessed look in his eye when performing his magic. Think of him riding on his Segway, unsheathing his sword. Would you want to go up against that? Because I wouldn’t. Of course, as far as technical fighting skills go, I can’t imagine Bluth has that much to offer. But he’d probably play dirtier than either Batali or Efron, which is worth something.

You have spoken. You spake. You’s gone and done it.

You cast your ballots and the Keith Mars/Jack Donaghy match-up goes to Mr. Mars. It wasn’t a squeaker like I thought it was going to be, but it’s probably a bad idea to make predictions on this like this. Who the hell knows what you are thinking, Internet?

Next…

I don’t really know where this match-up came from, but I still find it compelling. It’s Dr. Gregory House versus Maxwell Sheffield (The Nanny).

I guess Cristin suggested British actors who play Americans and for some reason my mind immediately went to Mr. Sheffield. But he actually is a Brit playing a Brit. This makes no sense, but I’m going with it anyway.

So, on one hand we’ve got the crotchety, crutchety Dr. House whose shoots venom out of his eyes. On the other, we’ve got the spry, if kind of foppish, theater-producing Maxwell Sheffield.

We’ll see what happens.

Dr. Gregory House

Strengths:

• Angry by nature/just waiting for an excuse to whoop some ass
• More worldly
• Tougher by a mile

Weaknesses:

• Um, he walks with a limp
• All talk
• We all know that tough talk is protecting a sad, frightened little boy

Secret Weapon: High on pain meds

Maxwell Sheffield

Strengths:

• No stranger to psychological torture at the hands of Nanny Fine
• In shape from all the slapstick comic antics
• In better physical condition

Weaknesses:

• Persnickety
• Lack of resolve/spine (see the Fine/Sheffield will-they-won’t-they romance; the time he said he loved her and then took it back)
• Theater producer

Secret Weapon: Streak of grey in his luxurious mane.

In last week’s battle of the German supermodel versus the culinary seductress, it seems that Heidi Klum has pulled out a decisive victory over Padma Lakshmi. I have to admit — this is the first time the person I didn’t vote for has won. I suppose I can see it, though. I probably underestimated Heidi because she’s got that cute button nose.

This week’s match, I predict, is going to be a close one. On the one side we’ve got Veronica Mars’ crime-fighting papa bear Keith Mars. On the other, we’ve got 30 Rock’s gruff but dashing alpha male Jack Donaghy. It’ll be a nail biter, that’s for damn sure.

Keith Mars

Strengths:

• Trained law enforcement officer
• Master of disguise and deception
• Exploits weaknesses

Weaknesses:

• Just a big teddy bear
• Comparatively small in stature
• Common fist fights are unbecoming of an officer of the law

Secret Weapon: Baldness makes him look more old/feeble than he actually is

Jack Donaghy

Strengths:

• Radiates power
• Broadly built/large-ish head
• Irish temper

Weaknesses:

• Not used to insubordination/challenges
• Not so much with the hand-to-hand combat
• Would probably have Kenneth the Page handle the fighting

Secret Weapon: He’ll soothe you with his raspy baritone — and that’s when he will strike!

Okay, I don’t think this was a fair fight. Probably more of a popularity contest, wouldn’t you say? Last week, The Office’s Jan Levinson whooped the hell out of Food Network’s Sandra Lee. Admittedly, I think she would probably win in the end just by virtue of her relative brawn, but if Tim Gunn can almost beat Anderson Cooper then Sandra could definitely do some more damage than the TiFaux readership gives her credit for.

Come on, guys.

Anyway, moving on. This week we’re revisiting Project Runway, but pairing it with its reality stepchild Top Chef. Who would win if we pitted hostesses Heidi Klum and Padma Lakshmi against each other.

Heidi Klum

Strengths:

• Has endured childbirth three times — high tolerance for pain
• German
• Strong legs from runway strutting

Weaknesses:

• Not much upper body strength
• Girly girl
• Smiley

Secret Weapon: Fierce maternal instincts

Padma Lakshmi

Strengths:

• Married (well, separated) from Salman Rushdie, so she can’t be easily intimidated
• Not merciful
• Deadpan delivery

Weaknesses:

• Delicate sensibilities
• Seems sadder than Heidi when eliminating contestants. A sign of weakness.
• Hosts a second banana show to Project Runway

Secret Weapon: Badass scar

Before we get to our next match-up, let’s take a moment to reflect on last week’s head-to-head featuring the suave Anderson Cooper and the suaver Tim Gunn. Now, Anderson Cooper won (of course), but he did so by a surprisingly small margin. I have to admit that this wasn’t really a fair fight — but by the time I had written everything out, I didn’t feel like going back and changing it. So, yeah. I’m thinking that people just like Tim Gunn a lot, and that played into the votes.

The voting, let me tell you, was out of control. Thanks to some high profile links, we got a lot of attention on this one. I think that maybe every fight should be between two cult icons. Like maybe Smack Teflon from Schmigh School Schmusical (scrambled to prevent the unsavory riff-raff from googling) or Buffy characters.

Maybe next week. This time, we’ve got two methodical career women who will flash you a white, gleaming smile while eviscerating you. We’ve got Jan from The Office vs. the Food Network’s Sandra Lee (see this post for background).

Jan, who started off on The Office as Michael Scott’s long-suffering superior, has morphed into a Jeckyll and Hyde character. On the surface, she’s a buttoned-up corporate career woman, but there’s a hedonistic, demanding and fiery sexpot brewing under the surface.

On the other hand, we’ve got Sandra Lee — flaxen-haired Food Network hostess with an exacting and insatiable appetite for presentation and color coordination. God help the hapless buffoon who tampers with her tablescapes.

Jan Levinson

Strengths:

• Organized and composed
• Not afraid of confrontation
• Unpredictable

Weaknesses:

• Mentally ill
• Comparatively easy to manipulate
• Emotionally fragile

Secret Weapon: Her sexuality

Sandra Lee

Strengths:

• Has excellent knife technique
• Can kill with her stare
• People underestimate blondes

Weaknesses:

• Over-concern with presentation can be a handicap
• Skinny arms
• Possibly made of porcelain

Secret Weapon: Can find innovative, time-saving ways to kick ass

In the closest battle yet, it appears that Heroes’ Angela Petrelli (looking very Cruella in the picture I found) has whupped Arrested Development’s Lucille Bluth. I agree with the decision, even though I have a deeper fondness for AD than Heroes. Lucille just doesn’t seem like much of a fighter is all.

This week’s battle might require some thought. We have two silver foxes duking it out in a winner-take-all bloodbath. It’s CNN’s news-reading pin-up Anderson Cooper (or Cooper Anderson, as my Mom calls him) versus Project Runway’s dapper father-figure Tim Gunn.

Don’t let age be too much of a factor (it is, after all only 13 years — Cooper’s 40 to Gunn’s 53 [thank you Wikipedia]).

Anderson Cooper

Strengths:

• Comparative youth is a factor
• Keeps in shape (probably takes kickboxing classes)
• Probably has a sassy fighting outfit

Weaknesses:

• Defensive about gay questions
• Former model
• Prettyboy (see Derek Shepherd)

Secret Weapon: Learned tricks of mental warfare as host of The Mole

Tim Gunn

Strengths:

• His name is Tim Gunn
• Commands authority
• James Bond-ish demeanor implies that he is downplaying his combat skills

Weaknesses:

• Probably doesn’t like to get dirty
• Would rather talk it out
• Probably blind without glasses

Secret Weapon: Too lovable to punch

First item of business: who prevailed in the battle of the babyfaced badass Logan Echolls versus the tribe leader Jack Shephard? Turns out most of you think that brawn and raw anger would prevail, since (as of this post) Logan is enjoying a healthy lead. Makes sense, I suppose, but it would still be an entertaining match.

But after two boy fights in a row, it’s time to let the ladies have at it. And not just any ladies — two dames with ice water for blood. It’s Grandma Petrelli versus Grandma Bluth. That is, Nathan and Peter’s always-surprising mother on Heroes, Angela Petrelli, and the matriarch of the wildly dysfunctional Bluth clan, Lucille Bluth.

I predict hair-pulling and dirty tricks.

Side note: although it is entirely possible that Petrelli has some sort of super-power, right now we’re operating under the assumption that she doesn’t. That wouldn’t be fair now, would it?

Angela Petrelli

Strengths:

• Nerves of steel
• Has a history of shady dealings
• Patient

Weaknesses:

• Like a mother lion, she’s protective of her cubs — which could be a liability
• Used to having other people do her dirty work
• Has less power over those not directly related to her

Secret Weapon: Steadfast and determined.

Lucille Bluth

Strengths:

• Acid tongue
• Emotionally manipulative; can pretend to be hurt and then pounce when Petrelli’s guard is down
• Sharp jewelry can be used as a weapon

Weaknesses:

• Perpetual buzz could slow reaction time
• Words may sting, but they can’t cut
• Likely to forfeit if she gets tired

Secret Weapon: Fights dirty.