We have hit a new low: Rufus actually called his kids part of “the Gossip Girl generation.” Shut up, Rufus. Further proof that Gossip Girl can be summed up in one-liners, Chuck to Nate: “I don’t know how many times we need to have this conversation.” Seriously, show. Look, the Serena-in-jail stuff is just so ludicrous that it makes my face hurt. The only thing worse is Brittany Snow shoveling heaps of exposition onto Andrew McCarthy in the execrable Beverly Hills Upper East Side flashback scenes. Ugh.

I think we can all agree that Lily is awesome. She and Eric are basically the only things left about this show that don’t make me want to stick hot forks in my eyes and ears. But teenage Lily is an asshole. God, I hope Nikki Finke is right about the spinoff being dead on arrival.

Oh, look, there’s No Doubt.

I will give the producers minor, minor, tiny little props for recycling Veronica Mars cast members and telling Ryan Hansen to call someone his lady. Because he says it with such relish and it reminds me of a better, sweeter, LESS FUCKING BORING time on the CW. (Oh my God. I actually miss Dick Casablancas. I’m going to go gargle with bleach now.) Okay, I take it back: cast member, singular. Because Gia is still annoying as fuck.

And then everyone went to prom and Nelly Yuki said, so truthinessily, “Yeah, because if you do this stuff in college, people think you’re pathological.” Nelly, we already think you’re all pathological. Then Serena took her clothes off in a cab and got lockjaw, because, ew, and Dan is an idiot who didn’t bring her a bra with her prom dress. Egad, honey. Those cans need underwire.

Even Leighton Meester can’t sell a line like “this is supposed to be the happiest day in high school.” She played her entire dancing-with-Nate scene like she’d recently been tranquilized and had her jaw wired shut, which is something I wish the producers would do to so many other people on this show, but not Blair. I feel duty-bound to point out, though, as someone who has both kinds, that even if Rufus and Lily get married, Dan and Serena will not be half-siblings. They’ll be step-siblings, like Cher and Josh. Half-siblings share blood. Step-siblings can bang, although it’s a little creepy, even if it is California, not Kentucky. Clear, Gossip Girl writers? Don’t make me take off my belt.

This week on Gossip Girl, Blair went to the general vicinity of my apartment. She was terrified at the idea of learning to ride the subway. Fuck you, Blair. Rufus still thinks it’s a good idea to sell the gallery (and therefore NOT HAVE A JOB) in order to pay for his kids’ education. Jenny is styling her hair with a weed whacker. Serena is ignoring the fact that she’s a booty call for 47-year-old Gabriel-from-North-Carolina (where did that come from?) and, OMG, Georgina Sparks is back and she loves her some Jesus and is super boring.

Look, I’m not even going to address this bullshit “long-distance relationship” Blair and Nate think they’re going to have when he’s at Columbia and she’s at NYU. Instead, have I ever mentioned that Ugly Betty is stalking me? Yeah, I haven’t been watching it either. But the building they use as the exterior for Meade Publications, if they’re still calling it that, is the Woolworth Building near City Hall, which is where one of the publishers I work for when I’m getting paid real money (not blogger money; Dan pays me in catty comments about people we went to college with) is located. Twice now I’ve been there returning manuscripts and the show has been filming outside.

And Tuesday they’re filming on Fifth Avenue, on my route to work. So, yeah. America Ferrara knows how much I loved her in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and now she is stalking me.

Wait, Gossip Girl is still going on? I’m so distracted by shows about people who work for a living rather than this insipid, repetitive garbage. At least Ugly Betty is candy-colored insipid, repetitive garbage. Right, Blair thinks Gabriel (“the North Caroliar,” which I will have to try to remember for next basketball season) is cheating on Serena with Poppy, which he is even though Serena just said they were dating without strings or commitment or promise rings or whatever the fuck the kids are doing these days. Although since Gabriel is like seventy, . (Enjoy having that in your heads all day, y’all. Little gift from me to you. Look for Chuck Bass’s granddad about 1:50 into it.)

If you’re going to see it, wait til it’s on video. I was dangerously close to vomiting the entire time.

• Looks like Yul from Survivor is all over the place. This time, unsuccessfully trying to open a yogurt shop.
• The WGA
• In other strike news, the writers have dropped their demands to .
• No upfronts .
• Ask Ausiello has scoop on Lost and Veronica Mars (!).
• Sarah Michelle Gellard nixes a Buffy movie.
• They are looking for activists for the next Real World.
• The Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet 3 debuts tonight, despite God’s will.
• Here’s a video update from The Office picketers.
• Oxygen has renewed Tori Spelling’s Inn Love.

2007 is officially over. Kaput. Done. Smell ya later.

You know what is also dead? All sorts of folks on TV. Thusly, we’ve made a provocative, scintillating top five and bottom five list of dead folks from this calendar year. Among the year’s deaths, we have a drowning, two gunshot victims, massive head trauma and even an explosion or two.

Point of information: the “top five” and “bottom five” are determined by a number of factors — the satisfying nature of the demise, how well it worked to advance the plot/character arc or, quite simply, whether we liked it or not.

For the record, proceed with caution if you are sensitive on getting spoiled by any shows. These shows include Weeds, Dexter and Battlestar Galactica.

Top 5

5. U-Turn – Weeds

The thing I really liked about U-Turn’s demise on the third season of Weeds wasn’t the satisfaction in having a repulsive character get axed. It was the perverse injustice of it all. U-Turn was such an intimidating character, breathing through a clenched jaw and flared nostrils in every scene and using terror to get his way. And then he gets killed by the fat, simple, ne’er-do-well Marvin — whose biggest accomplishment of the season was getting shot in the ass by the Mexicans. It was an understandable, but out-of-nowhere act and I love the idea of such a ridiculous, incompetent figure taking out a prime villain by surprise.

4. Symbolic spot reserved for Pushing Daisies

It seems like it wouldn’t be fair for such a death-centric show to get left out on this list. Perish the thought that any of the lead characters actually die (even Emerson — the show’s dynamics would be ruined without him). But in honor of the exploding secretaries, trampled jockeys and torn-in-half wish-givers, we raise a glass of bubbly to the supporting cast of corpses on Pushing Daisies.

3. Sgt. Doakes – Dexter

Toward the end of season two, it really looked like the creators had written themselves in a corner. There were so many complications that it didn’t seem like the season could end cleanly. I feel like it was pretty obvious that Doakes was going to get blamed for the Bay Harbor Butcher’s crimes, but after Doakes caught him in the act, I didn’t see how Dexter could pin the blame on him without killing him — a violation of the Code of Harry. Enter crazy-pants Lila. Lila’s craziness was what saved Dexter in the end. Furthermore, it was pretty satisfying to see Doakes — crazy and unhinged himself — finally out of the picture.

2. Starbuck – Battlestar Galactica

Maggie writes: Starbuck is (was?), arguably, the best character in a sea of wonderful characters from Battlestar Galactica — the frakked up risk-taking pilot with Mommy issues who makes bad decisions in the sack. Not only is (was?) she a fan favorite, she keeps the rest of the characters on their toes — sleeping with them, hurting them, telling them the ugly truth that she can’t face herself. So when her Viper blew up, it seemed impossible that they, the geniuses at the helm of BSG, would actually kill her. But they seemed very serious about it, making us suffer through four Kara-Thrace-less episodes before the last ten seconds of the last episode of this season. Not that those seconds resolved anything, of course. What does it all mean???

1. Charlie – Lost/Phil Leotardo – The Sopranos

This is cheating, but that’s okay because it’s a blog and not real life. I have two number one deaths and they’re both for different reasons. Charlie’s death earned its spot just because it was shocking (in a way), emotionally charged and completed his character’s redemption arc. Plus, the Lost folks redeemed themselves a little bit for killing a real character, not just introducing a bunch of tailies to just pick off one by one.

Phil Leotardo’s death was awesome for sheer bloodlust purposes. Such an awful man, responsible for so much death. To finally see him get whacked was really rewarding for long-time viewers. Furthermore, he didn’t just get whacked. An SUV ran over his head! I mean, what more could you ask for? It was like murder Christmas.

Honorable mention: To Nikki and Paolo from Lost. For real. In the big picture, they were totally useless, but that episode was awesome.

Bottom 5

5. Sheriff Lamb – Veronica Mars

I realize we might get some flack for putting Veronica Mars on the bottom of any list, but I have to admit that Sheriff Lamb’s untimely demise was a bit anticlimactic. No one really cared for him, so on face value this would have been a no-brainer for the top five. But the way it all went down was really unsatisfying. If I’m like most VM fans, I would’ve wanted Lamb to go out in a redeeming blaze of glory — so we can look at his tombstone and reflect that he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. However, that didn’t happen. He got bonked on the head by Richard Greico. Richard Greico, guys. I mean, come on.

4. Bradford Meade – Ugly Betty

Maggie writes: Recipe for instant melodrama: Pick the most boring character on your show. Kill him. Presto! No one liked Bradford, and none of his story lines were particularly convincing. Did anyone really believe he was in to Wilhelmina? Did anyone actually buy him as an evil genius? Then he up and dies, just in time to ruin Wili’s wedding and teach the Meade kids a little something about life. On the other hand, Santos — that one was at least a little teary.

3. President Palmer II – 24

Maggie writes: The sixth season of 24 seems awfully long ago, especially if you’re like me and you didn’t bother watching the last four episodes. But back in the beginning of the season, there was another President Palmer, the brother of the first (who was the victim of a great TV death — shot in the neck!). Prez Palmer II got himself blown up, and then he pumped himself up on uppers to lead the country, and then I think he died. He did die, didn’t he? He isn’t like Ex-Prez Logan in the ambulance, never to be heard from again? It’s a mark of the show’s decline that I can’t even remember.

2. D.L. – Heroes

He got shot by some random dude in a bar? Booooooooooooooooooo!

1. Tony Soprano – The Sopranos

My disdain for the way things went down on the series finale of The Sopranos is no secret. But, even though David Chase thinks I should just worry my pretty little head in an adorably quaint liberal arts classroom, I’m going to operate under the assumption that Tony Soprano got it in the end. All signs point to yes, as many people seem to think (including Jeopardy champ Bob Harris, who seems to have come up with the most comprehensive analysis. Although, now he seems to be wanting to distance himself from it as much as possible. Sigh. Whatever.). But I’m putting Tony’s death at the bottom of the heap — not because it didn’t make sense that it would happen, not because it wouldn’t have been just, but because of that damned fade to black and the “I’m smarter than you” ambiguity.

Honorable mention: For the dream of Studio 60. Emmy-award winning writer, cast of luminaries, the best set money can buy — what could go wrong? Everything, of course.

I don’t know how I’ve managed to not get sick so far.

• Letterman’s — with writers. Jimmy Kimmel too — without.
• Rob Thomas is talking to DC about a comic on Veronica Mars (and more in Ask Ausiello).
• NBC is going to start airing Monk and Psych.
• New York and Tailor Made are now living together.
• E-Kristin talks to the cast of Scrubs.
• Denise from Survivor has turned down Mark Burnett’s check after admitting she was less than honest on the Survivor finale.
• Simon Cowell has, um, smaller boobs.
• Ali Larter from Heroes got engaged.

After the great comments on my credits post of yesterday, I thought it would be interesting to talk about credit sequences of yore. In that post, I had tried to stick to shows currently on the air. But the greatness of the Freaks and Geeks credit sequence just can’t be denied. [kml_flashembed movie="/CAoXs4Veuog" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

I’m also quite fond of the original , mostly for the awesome song. I didn’t even mind too much when they for the third season, though I know that was a controversial move. Arrested Development, too, packed backstory and narration into a fun and funny little bit.

Before the aughts, credits were not nearly as diverse and creative as they are now. They were often too long, full of standard, cheesy montages, and mostly tedious. For fun, and to see what I mean, check out the credits to . A lot like Full House. And . And many, many other shows. Even — and, by the way, I was horrified to hear that they’d changed the theme song recently — doesn’t exactly rock the world of credit sequences.

Of course, I have a lot less personal experience with older shows, so I probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Older people, what am I missing? Was there a notoriously great/bad credit sequence that rocked/sucked in the 70s or 80s?

Though not groundbreaking compared to newer shows, I find that I’m kind of enjoying the Miami Vice credits. See if you agree. [kml_flashembed movie="/U6BBXOCAww4" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

It’s time to announce the winner of the Veronica Mars Season 3 DVD giveaway. As you may recall, we asked you to come up with two-sentence pitches for a fourth season of the show. We got some really great responses, and it was extremely tough to pick a winner. So we picked two! The first is from Catherine. Thanks for the good visuals, Catherine.

Season 4 starts with Piz: shirtless, tied to a chair, and kidnapped by one of the bail jumpers that Keith had captured (but was recently been released from jail). Veronica and Keith team up with the newly introduced hotty: Piz’s older brother; Veronica is torn between two Piznarskis.

The other winner is Wojtek, who focuses on lesser-seen characters in the Neptune pantheon.

In an attempt to find her father a distraction from the lost election, Veronica finally decides to look into the inexplicable disappearance of Wallace’s mother. The trail, suspiciously — and deliciously! — often peppered with appearances by Trina Echolls (HIMYM schedule permitting) leads her to uncovering the true extent of the Kane conspiracy.

We’ll be in touch about sending out your DVDs.

Of course we can’t help sharing the ideas from many of the wonderful runners-up, after the jump.

It’s so bad, but it feels so good.

• First and foremost, Pushing Daisies has been picked up for a full season!  Hooray!!!
• Fox is spinning off a .
• Tennis star on the CW.
• The CW has stockpiled 5 reality shows in case of a writer’s strike.
• Is Peter Petrelli actually a chick?
• The LA Times pleads for Damages’ life.
• The Office picked Scranton over Utica and Nashua.
• E! talks about the Veronica Mars season four pitch included on the season three DVD.
• There’s not enough time to . Especially when you have to make time for the crappy ones.
• All of the CW’s new shows are ratings disappointments.
• A new Ask Ausiello’s up and he’s talking about death on Lost.
• The Wayans Brothers are for VH1.
• No one will watch .
• TV Guide writes about Sarah Silverman.
• And the Writer’s Guild has given up on unionizing reality workers.

Please congratulate the winner of the Nip/Tuck Season Four DVD…

EMILY R.!

Emily mentioned that she discovered us during the TiFaux Madness Tournament and stuck around. Thanks, Emily, for not being one of the crazies that the TiFaux Madness seemed to attract. (Sometimes I have nightmares about TiFaux Madness. The horror… the horror…)

Thanks to all who entered. And don’t forget, you can still enter the Veronica Mars DVD giveaway. We’re getting some good fourth season pitches, but the free DVDs can still be yours if you drop us a line with your two-sentence idea at tifaux-at-gmail-dot-com.

We’re big time now. You should know this.

A little while ago, we held our first giveaway for season four of Nip/Tuck (which, by the way, you still have time to enter). This is real merchandise, folks, made in a real factory.

Some of you may have been a little ambivalent about entering that particular contest given the fact that we don’t really talk about Nip/Tuck all that much on TiFaux. However, we were contacted the other day by our good friend Jorge at M80/Warner Home Video and he is helping us sponsor our second giveaway, which is for one of our all-time faves.

Ladies and germs, we are now accepting entries for our giveaway of VERONICA MARS SEASON THREE!!!

We’ve got Veronica, Wallace, Mac, Logan, Keith — the whole crew is back for their third and final season. It already seems so long ago (the head-shaving rapist, the Dean O’Dell mystery) that watching the show again will seem like the first time.

The DVD includes:

• Pitching Season 4 – An in-depth interview w/ Creator Rob Thomas discussing a new direction for the series presented to network executives that picks up years later, with Veronica as a rookie FBI agent.
• Going Undercover with Rob Thomas – Show Creator Rob Thomas walks us through some of the most memorable moments from Season 3
• Webisode Gallery with cast interviews and various set tours
• Unaired Scenes with introductions by Rob Thomas
• Gag Reel

And now, you’re asking, how do I enter?

Since this is a hot item, we’re going to spice up the competition. To enter, send us your own pitch for Veronica Mars fictional fourth season. Obviously, you can’t say she’s a rookie FBI agent. You have her stay in college, go off on her own, become a missionary, whatever. You can even propose a season-long mystery arc. Phrase your idea as a pitch and not fan fiction. Fan fiction makes us (read: me) feel like a weird shut-in. There is also a two sentence maximum.

E-mail Maggie at tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com with the subject line “Veronica Mars.” The best pitch wins — or the pitch we like the most, so feel free to pander to us. The competition is open until Oct. 22.

Again, you can only enter once. Jesus, TiFaux and Veronica hate cheaters.

(Note to publicists: please e-mail us at the above address if you’d like to arrange a giveaway!)