This was a chore to put together — there is nothing going on out there today. (I mean, hello, I wrote a freakin’ Max Headroom news item.) In any event, thanks for tolerating. Dan will return to the homestead on Monday. It’s been fun, kids. Mwah.

• The Bionic Woman doesn’t look so indestructible now, does she? Heh heh heh …
• This afternoon in MTV/VH1 dating shows: A Shot of Love‘s Tila Tequila might be a , and I Love New York 2‘s Buddha, also of Hell Date, has definitely been all over the television landscape looking for a mate.
• Age has not been kind to Max Headroom.
• Just in time for the gift-giving season! America’s sweetheart Marie Osmond debuts a line of her doll collection inspired by her Dancing with the Stars routines. Creepy.
• Ever wonder what the ’08 presdential candidates Tivo? (I’m LOL-ing at John Edwards pick for “guilty pleasure.” And Hilary Clinton does actually seem like an Antiques Roadshow kinda gal.)
• Well, the writers’ strike ain’t goin’ away anytime soon, so you might as well take a good look at this reality show-saturated winter TV schedule.
• Speaking of the strike, I leave you with this, the one good thing (so far) to come out of it: Spider-Man‘s James Franco and That ’70s Show‘s Mila Kunis spoof The Hills. It’s hilarious, and I do believe I’ll spend my entire weekend looking for a Weird Al wig so I can perfectly replicate James’ bug-eyed horror that Mila agrees that you gotta do the rice with the fork at 0:24.

Afternoon. Sorry I’m late. My eyes rolled right out of my head during the CNN/YouTube Republican debate yesterday, and it took me forever to find them.

• Last night on NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller Center special, some annoying blonde whose first name rhymes with “crapshley” was caught lipsyncing again. And no, it’s probably not the one you immediately thought of.
• Here seven things you probably didn’t know about The Golden Girls, and Bea Arthur secretly having testes ain’t one of them.
• Proving that even American Idol winners have increasingly little relevance once the season is over, Jordin Sparks’ album pretty much flops.
• Today in Dancing with the Stars fallout: Maksim Chmerkovskiy quits! (Possibly.) A newly-single Helio Castroneves moves in on his Paso Doble partner! (Maybe.) Mark Ballas battles an injury sustained during the finale! (Definitely.) And Marie Osmond still sucks, but you already knew that.
• AfterElton.com readers decide that Queer as Folk‘s Brian Kinney is the promiscuous, pill-popping patron saint of gay TV characters.
• I’ve just gotta link to an interview with the terrific Jane Espenson, writer of Buffy, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. Also, I’ve just gotta remind you that a brand new Kathy Griffin comedy special airs tonight on Bravo.
• Finally, just in time for everybody to sorta stop caring, promos for the delayed new season of Lost are headed for the big screen in January.

Daddy, I want a coveted Mirrorball Trophy!

• This morning, it’s a virtual Dancing with the Stars news buffet! The rundown: Helio wins! Mel B. finishes second! The American viewing public loses! And what of Marie Osmond? Tscha, everybody hates that phony. Even Mo Rocca.
• Over at America’s Next Top Model, Twiggy’s out, and Paulina Porizkova’s in. I’ve already started a petition to replace the utterly frightening Jay Manuel with considerably less scary Ric Ocasek. I’ll forward it to you on my lunch break.
• Bam! The Food Network cancels Emeril Live. Reaction runs the gamut from utter euphoria to complete indifference.
• Here’s a fun little rundown of recognizable cartoon-character vocalists. Since this is TiFaux, and since the list encompasses both film and TV, I expect you to pay attention to only the latter.
• Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali are doubling up on the revamped American Gladiators, which NBC just announced would premiere in January, and Sarah Jessica Parker probably won’t be revisiting Project Runway anytime soon. I’m combining these two items because I think it’d be neat if Hogan guest-judged a PR challenge to make lycra bodysuits that look fashionable and flirty for a day in the wrestling arena or a night out on the town.
• Without his staff of writers to make him funny and/or palatable as his late-night talk show returns, Carson Daly wants you — yes, YOU! — to help him tell jokes. I don’t know any good ones, but I will gladly assist him on breaking up his run-on sentences. Meanwhile, NBC is airing Tonight Show reruns from Jay Leno’s vintage years. Ah, 1992. Nice bouquet.

My bad. The last item in yesterday’s news briefs should’ve been researched with a little more scrutiny: “Our Very First Telethon” — Full House episode 3.24 — is actually readily available on YouTube. As a hellish mea culpa, I’ve decided to review the episode in real time. I have now leared my lesson. Trust me, this won’t happen again.

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• 00:03 — “Telethion”? Oh dear. This is not starting out so well.
• 00:08 — Tee-hee. I was just imaging what a TV-MA episode of Full House would be like. Lots of cussing and full-frontal Bob Saget.
• 00:22 — That’s some righteous hair, John Stamos. The early inspiration for Amy Winehouse, no doubt.
• 00:29 — I’ve always wondered what Dave Coulier is gesturing about here. Seriously. I like to pretend he’s in the midst of a heated commentary on Great Britain’s naval eminence following the Battle of Trafalgar.
• 00:33 — JODIE SWEETIN IS LOOKING AT ME. Weird: How come she’s the only cast member of the cast to directly break the fourth wall on their opening-credits introduction? (Lori Loughlin might also be guilty; the video quality is too poor to see in what direction those eyes are pointed.)
• 01:00 — Hey, Roseanne! Full House is stealing your harmonica licks!
• 01:03 — Oh my God. I hate clowns.
• 01:40 — Seriously? They have Michelle answering phones at the telethion? This show’s credibility just got tossed out the window.
• 01:58 — “If you need me, I’m ready to ride!” Too easy.
• 02:08 — A little-known Jerry Fallwell stab at comedy.
• 02:37 — What kinda badass guitar pose was that, Stamos?
• 02:49 — Is it just me, or did anyone else think for a split-second that somebody just dressed Mama’s Family‘s Iola Lucille Boyland in a tux and pushed her out on stage?
• 02:52 — I feel like somebody stole these floral arrangements from a funeral home.
• 03:24 — I thought Jodie Sweetin didn’t start doing the meth until many years later.
• 03:48 — What the hell is on his sweater? Are those sneakers? Spores? Paramecium? I kinda want it.
• 03:56 — My new hero(ine): the lady on the far right in the second row. “Let’s hear it for this band, huh? Ladies and gentlemen?” She is having none of it. She’s not even happy to be there.
• 04:11 — OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO FUNNY! THAT IS SO TRUE!
• 04:29 — THAT IS SO TRUE! THAT IS SO FUNNY! OH MY GOD!
• 04:30 — I dig the severe ’90s-ish-ness of the gal in the center of the front row. I also dig how the lady to the right of her looks ready to evacuate the moment any big shit goes down.
• 04:38 — And this is the dude Alanis wrote “You Oughta Know” about? Sad.
• 04:49 — Gosh, I’m tired.
• 05:00 — I know it’s the perspective, but the legs of the woman painted on the Cabinet of Mystery look weird.
• 05:10 — I like to provide my own comic screamy noises when she tosses her shoes off-stage.
• 05:12 — Ditto.
• 06:52 — Whoa. Sorry. Fell asleep there.
• 07:10 — The goal of this telethion is to, like, raise $1,000,000, right? Which would mean they want people to tune in, yes? So why on earth are they letting Danny Tanner sing “Kiss Today Goodbye”?
• 07:41 — GAH! When that leg came up, I totally thought Danny was gonna hump the Cabinet of Mystery.
• 07:56 — Fun fact: A lot of people don’t know this, but this moment is actually a clever industry inside joke — Dave Coulier was Jennifer Beals’ wedling double in Flashdance.
• 08:12 — Sigh.
• 08:28 — Oh, I’m making a big-ass vegan taco salad for dinner tomorrow if anyone wants to come over.
• 08:42 — God, I wish I wasn’t a teetotaler.
• 08:56 — They’re totally dueting on a fierce cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer,” you know.
• 08:57 — If Jack had lived and moved to San Francisco with Ennis …
• 09:07 — This is the Lakers Girls’ dance interpretation of race relations in Los Angeles two years before the riots. Not many people give Full House credit for being so aware of cultural zeitgeist.
• 09:10 — At least “coming” was misspelled in the most innocent way possible.

Oh, I’m getting the hang of it now. More bullet points, less verbiage.

• Better late than never: Project Runway cast-off and 40-year-old Ragged Dick Marion Lee probably won’t be picking up Steve & Barry’s gift certificates for his girlfriends anytime soon.
• All hail the Hypnotoad! Futurama returns today via a brand new DVD movie. Here is some love:

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• OC creator Josh Schwartz agrees: That whole Johnny-falling-off-a-cliff deal in season three was stupid. Me, I thought everything related to Johnny was stupid, but I’ll take what I can get.
• Shocking: Celebrities do drugs. Sometimes on camera. I know, I know. Your head just exploded, right? (My apologies for linking to Fox News.)
• One of the Real Housewives of Orange County is getting her very own spin-off dating show. I have little to say about this because I can’t type my tears.
• Going into the season finale, Dancing with the Stars‘ Maksim Chmerkovskiy shakes his fist at Marie Osmond: “Yeah, I think she represents a lot of women out there with all their problems.” What a charmer!
• The only former Bachelor to stick with the lady he picked on the series, Byron Velvick got decked by showmance Mary Delgado over the weekend, and he kinda/sorta looks like he had it coming. So … we’re now 0-7?
• This morning in the God-I-hop-it’s-true rumor mill, Perez Hilton crapped himself on a treadmill while filming the new season of Celebrity Fit Club. Fun idea: Post your own punchline in the comments section.
• Warning: geek humor to follow. Tom Cruise might be hopping on the first TARDIS out of Xenu. He’s reportedly being lined up to guest on the new series of Doctor Who. He’ll play an annoying little martian. Or, if you prefer, himself.
• Showgirls survivor Elizabeth Berkley will soon be rubbing up against inert poles on CSI: Miami. By that, I mean that she’s been cast as David Caruso’s ex-wife.

Let me open my first-ever news round-up for TiFaux by gently correcting a few personal factoids provided by my good buddy Dan: I’ve “always carried a torch for Damon Albarn”? Really, Dan? C’mon. Like, 1997 through the release of Think Tank. Lately, I’ve been all about James Marsden. (Thanks for something, Hairspray!) And Van Helsing was totally his idea; I merely provided the ride. But I do live outside Baltimore, and I am a vegan, so there’s that. But just to make Dan into a source of complete and utter misinformation, why, I’ve suddenly decided to move to Georgetown and eat a cow. Just kidding. Maybe.

Now that introductions are out of the way, I’m sad to report that it’s kind of a slow news day.

• Tyra Banks’ sex life is being ruined by Tyra Banks’ wig — and not, surprisingly, by the fact that she’s Tyra Banks.
• How can I not link to an interview with the fabulous Melissa McCarthy? I sure as hell don’t watch her new Samantha Who? show, but if you’ve ever seen her memorable bit part in Go, Doug Liman’s 1999 let’s-hit-up-a-rave-with-the-future-Mrs.-Tom-Cruise comedy-thriller, well, you’d link to it, too.
• Oh. And there’s this Writer’s-Guild-strike-thing going on. I dunno if you’ve heard about it. It’s upsetting a lot of people. I think Ellen Degeneres even killed somebody! Anyway, as always, there’s some breaking news about that.
• The Bachelor fans are pretty pissed off about this season finale’s Most Shocking Rose Ceremony Ever. One über-frustrated devotee wrote that this is “IT FOR [HER]” (her caps, not mine) on ABC.com’s message board, which I estimate will bring the number of next season’s viewers down to 13.
• I simply can’t watch America’s The Office because the British original is so near and dear to my miserly heart. Sorry. But since everybody else loves it, everybody else might be thrilled — thrilled! — to know that . (I mostly wanted to link to this news item because the reader comments are so informative. Before today, I’d never heard of Angela Kinsey, and now I know that she’s pregnant, that she met her husband on interracialloves.com, and that she apparently has nudie pics available on nudistconnection.com. God bless the Internet.)
• Have mercy, indeed. Two writers from Entertainment Weekly watched all eight seasons of Full House in a straight 75-hour shot. After reading their diary, I’m seriously bummed that, as of this afternoon, nobody has put the telethon episode — wherein Stephanie dances to “Love Shack” and D.J. sings “Lollipops & Gummi Bears” (the lyrics: shudder) — on YouTube. Come on now, junkies. You know what you need to do.