“New year, new house, new jobs, new boys, new everything,” said Audrina, somehow forgot to mention “new boobs, new veneral diseases, new abusive boyfriends!”

Who am I kidding, I can’t effing wait.

Listen. We’re friends, right? Maybe not Hold Your Hair and Rub Your Back As You Puke friends, but at least Think Twice Before I Make Out With Your Boyfriend friends, I would hope. I know I haven’t forced my opinions on you since waaay back with episode 4 of The Hills, and I’m hoping that this lapse in time will actually serve to make my opinion more valuable than it was before, because you need to be watching this show:

Full disclosure time: I don’t really like football. I can occasionally get it up for college football, but that’s generally only once a year when Navy plays beats Army. (I’ve never used the intentional strikethrough gag before. I somehow feel like less of a person now). I have some deep seeded issues with high school football in particular, since I worry that inflating 16 year olds to such a regal status at such a young age sets them up for intense disappointment for the rest of their lives, big fish small pond style. Also, I was in marching band in high school, and I never got over it.

But I still think Friday Night Lights is the best show on television (best drama, anyway. 30 Rock, holla). I just recently finished the DVDs of season one (which . Seriously, that is the cost of like 3 beers, and it will love you a lot longer than they will) and after 3 episodes I was already at the point where just hearing the theme music was enough to make me cry and feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

I know there are concerns, and I’m about to address all of them. #1) “I feel creepy watching a show about high school kids.” This one comes to us courtesy of my older brother, but don’t let him fool you, he burned through two seasons of Veronica Mars in about a week and never thought twice about the creepiness factor, so I’m dismissing this one. #2) “But we’re already three epsiodes into season 2, and I have no idea what’s going on.” Bitch, please. Like I would leave you hanging. Ready? Okay!

Here’s Jason. He used to be starting quarterback before he went and got himself paralyzed. Now he plays quad rugby, explores shady Mexican surgery options, and deals with the fact that his bangin’ girlfriend (see: Lyla) banged his BFF (see: Tim).

Speak of the devil! Here’s Lyla. And okay, fine, maybe she cheated on her paralyzed boyfriend, but he wasn’t being particularly nice to her at the time. Also, and this goes without saying, anyone who gets the chance to sleep with Tim should take it. Anyhoo, now Lyla has found Jesus, and leads school Bible groups with a hilarious string of Dr Seuss sounding prayers that go something like “Christ above me, Christ beside me, Christ within me…” and will leave you shouting “Christ behind me! SAY IT!” at the tv.

And here’s Matt and Julie. Matt became QB1 following Jason’s accident, and then put the moves on Julie, the coach’s daughter, who has bangs. This is really all you need to know here, except that Julie somehow became an idiot this season when her parents had another baby and her dad took a job far away and she dumped Matt so that she could run around being and idiot and because she wanted to give me a good reason to hate her. Mission accomplished.

And Tyra, my favorite, filling the role of hardened-slutty-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold-and-a-shot-at-a-better-future-if-she-just-applies-herself. Tyra also used to make out with Tim. Last season she was almost sexually assaulted by Some Random Dude but she beat the hell out of him and I loved her for it. Then he showed up again to finish the job this season, and it would have been a problem except…

Landry went and killed the dude because he’s in love with Tyra, and then the two of them dumped the body in a river.

And here’s Coach Taylor, who left the Dillon Panthers for a job coaching a college team but is obviously going to come back because having him gone is like those first 600 pages of book 7 where harry isn’t at Hogwarts that made me want to kill myself. And his ridiculously hot and completely awesome wife.

And here’s Tim, or, as my cousin erin likes to call him, “why weren’t the football players that hot when we were in high school?” Tim’s got a bit of a drinking problem and some daddy issues and a tendency to sleep with the single mothers in his neighborhood and a small obsession with Lyla even though she now has a big obsession with Jesus, but it’s cool because they’re constantly showing him in the rain:

NBC, Fridays, 9pm. On the off chance that you don’t feel totally caught up to speed, complete episodes here.

Previously on The Hills: I spent a lot of time coming up with those fake Leader of the Pack lyrics so you’d better damn well appreciate them.

I’ve clearly already hit the wall with this show, as I’m now 4 recaps behind and have only been brought to life by the trailers for this week’s episode that show Heidi in a wedding dress. OMGWTFLOL. And if you spend as much time as I do in the News Stand section of Borders, or as much money as I do subscribing to magazines that would make me look slightly pervy were I not currently working in what might vaguely be described as “teen media,” you already know that this clash of titans is going on in the magazine aisle of your local CVS or strip club or wherever you frequent to get your jollies:

What an exceptional role model. Next month: Miss Teen South Carolina.

My circulation rate’s much higher, biatch, so suck it. (Heidi’s note: Wait, that’s not true. I’ve slept with WAY more guys than Lauren has).

Meanwhile, Teen magazine has Vanessa Hudgens talking about how she stays grounded on their cover. You lose, Teen.

This episode opens with Heidi and Spencer getting her ring sized, since he didn’t bother to find out what ring size she was before proposing. I’m not entirely sure how boys are supposed to do this, since most girls I know don’t even know their own ring sizes, and whenever someone mentions ring sizing I always think of Little Women and how they talk about stealing a lady’s glove in order to have her ring fitted properly. Still, I’m going to rain judgement down on La Spence for not figuring this out ahead of time. I’m guessing he doesn’t have a dog-eared, tear-stained copy of Little Women in the cigar box where he keeps his leopard fur-covered handcuffs and a picture of the father he never knew. Again, there’s some confusion about which hand an engagement ring should go on and AGAIN I’d like to point out that if you don’t know, you shouldn’t be getting married. Not only is it the wrong hand, Heidi, you’re also giving him the wrong finger. Blissfully unaware of how much I disapprove of her life style, Heidi asks Spencer along to a weekend in Colorado to meet her parents. Spencer acknowledges that he and Brody were planning an epic beer-be-que, but he would “much rather” meet Heidi’s family.

The MFA candidates at MTV have entitled this one “Meet the Parents.” I liked it a lot better when they were using ridiculous pull quotes from the various heinous boyfriends of our gals.

Previously on The Hills: Spencer graffiti-tags Heidi’s favorite white wall, then proposes to her on the beach. Audrina takes back a guy who abandoned her in Vegas for strippers.

I usually play a little game with myself while I’m taking recap notes where I try to see how long into an episode of The Hills I can make it before I hit the “info” button and then groan at how much soul-sucking time is left before I can delete it and go on to watching The Pick Up Artist or Celebrity Rap Superstar. The good news is: the episode set a new record! The bad news is: I hit the “sweet effing christ I can’t believe this is what my life has become” wall a scant 4 minutes into the episode. And I couldn’t bring myself to go online and watch the pre-theme song intro scene that my DVR (blessedly) cut off, so I jumped into this episode as the title screen was informing me that “Truth & Time Tells All.”

My favorite part of High School Musical II (other than the fact that Vanessa Hudgens has clearly leaked naked pictures of herself all over the world wide web to stick it to Disney), if you can choose just ONE favorite part, was when a distraught Sharpay instructs a nearby drummer to “Give {her} a beat!” so that she can properly shashay out of the room. I’m pretty sure that, judging from how she struts, Heidi has Animal from The Muppets inside her head constantly banging out a rhythm for her to shake her skinny ass to. (“Eat drums! Eat drums!” “No, Animal, BEAT drums!” “WoMAN! WoMAN! WoMAN!”) Heidi bops into work and greets coworker Elodie, who has brown hair now. I love Elodie, largely because she and I both have ears that make us look well suited for a career of making cookies in a tree somewhere. Elodie spots the ring from across the room and exclaims “O.M.G.,” as if she’s really 18 and not, let’s say, 34. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” she asks. Oh, Elodie, didn’t you see last season? Fool me with a fake pregnancy scare once, shame on me. Fool me twice… wait, Heidi’s talking. “He’s not only my fiance, he’s, like, my soulmate.” Elodie heaps on the good advice. “Make sure you take a long time with your engagement. Don’t buy a wedding dress any time soon. Start with the magazines.” Well, Eldawg, she’s going to look pretty silly walking down the aisle clad only in Martha Stewart Bride, but what the eff do I know. I don’t even use acronyms befitting a much younger generation when I want to express shock and awe.

Spencer and Brody are out on the town, Brody wearing a hilariously appropriate Tshirt that states “B-Squad.” I’m sure he thinks it’s B as in “Brody man! Snoochie booches!” but I’m thinking it’s B squad as in, “I wish we had a real heartthrob but I guess we have to settle for this olympian’s kid who once banged Kristin Cavalleri.” “I need some board shorts for Cabo!” Spencer exclaims excitedly. Brody inquires after how Santa Barbra went, and Spence replies “It went amazing.” {“…but could you hold on one sec? I have a call from the National Linguistics Society, they want me to speak at their upcoming conference on parts of speech”). “I used to think marriage was the dumbest thing– for guys who couldn’t get laid. Like, back in the day: I’m gonna give you half my money, all you gotta do is make my food and hang out with me,” Spencer explains. Well, at least now I don’t have to write that bridesmaids’ toast I’ve been working on.

Previously on The Hills: Lauren and Heidi’s new boobs get into an altercation at new It spot, les deux. Rihanna refuses to acknowledge that the word “umbrella” only has two syllables.

Of all the bad decisions Heidi has made concerning her body of late, I think I’m most upset about the hair. The nose is a close second, but I forgive her the boob job. Who hasn’t considered that from time to time before seeing that terrifying MTV series about people who get plastic surgery to look like celebrities and then freaking out at the episode where the drag queen gets JLo surgery. Her hair, though, which was a perfect honey-gold color last season, is now approaching truck stop bottle blonde. And it’s sad, really. It’s like when Britney released “me against the music” and the weird video where she almost makes out with Madonna and you were like “well, this is just a little too far over the edge but I think we can still get our old Oops I Did It Again-era Britney back” only to wind up with the current shit storm. I’m concerned that this is the tipping point for Heidi, that the hair is the first in a series of bad decisions, but I’m going to reserve judgement until I see her spread (ha!) in Playboy. Anyway, Heidi and Spencer are having lunch and blathering on about their apartment and moving in and how Heidi wants to pick out paint colors. It’s not important or interesting. And this episode is called “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” which is fun since no one cries or even says that line in this episode, other than Fergie-Ferg. So I guess that means they put the music in and then wait for the last minute to do the title screen. I was going to make a joke here about how that’s like how Kenny Ortega just takes the plots of existing movies and then waits for the last minute to write in the High School Musical soundtracks, but it was really forced and unfunny. Also, I just downloaded all the songs for HSMII off of iTunes and “Gotta Go My Own Way” is currently in the process of changing my life, even though it contains the oft-maligned “What about us/ What about trust” lyrics which keep reminding me of that “What’s love got to do with a little menage” Fat Joe song that was totally my cheat on your boyfriend theme song in college. Hope he’s not reading this.

Lauren and Audrina are discussing Justin, whom Audrina made out with the night that Lauren totally frenched it up with the British Invasion. “Why did you stop dating?” Lauren asked confusedly, petting the tabby cat from last season that is WEARING A FISHERMANS SWEATER. It looks exactly like the one my mom brought me back from Ireland, except slightly smaller. Audrina launches into a story about how they were in Vegas and he wanted to go to a strip club and a look of realization smacks Lauren across the face. “He abandoned you in Vegas!” she exclaims, clearly having heard the story before. “Well… yeah,” says Audrina, apologetically. I feel like that conversation would have ended with Audrina saying the same thing regardless of what heinous thing Justin had done to her before. “He slept with your mom!” “He cut your hair off in the middle of the night and sold it for drug money!” “He released a single that had Spencer rapping on it!” Well… yeah.

Back at Heidi and Spencer’s Walk In Condom, Spencer is making yet another protein shake. I wish he would eat some solid foods and stop looking so gaunt. Maybe he’s trying to sell his diet and exercise book.

I wish my mom had gotten me that Skip It.

Heidi comes home to see that Spencer has had their living room wall tagged with an enormous Hollywood mural.

Remember last season of The Hills, when I recapped feverishly through the first half of the season and then decided that not only did I hate the show, I hated the version of myself I was when I was with it? Or the season before that, when I was convinced it would be the awesomest thing ever until it turned out it wasn’t? Third time’s a charm, kids. Time to do work.

When we last left our favorite members of Young Hollywood, Lauren (formerly “LC”) had lost her roommate and best friend Heidi to the nefarious Spencer Pratt. Intern Whitney was up for a “real” job at TeenVogue that would make her supervisor of all of Intern land, and Audrina had really big boobs. But what were they up to when they weren’t being followed by MTV?

*Spencer and Brody gave a ridiculous interview to Details magazine that made many people hate them (more).

*The Heidi & Spencer v. Lauren feud raged across states and various forms of media.

*Heidi released her first single, Body Language, which features Spencer rapping (link to radio premiere here, courtesy of Sara. A must-listen)

Still with me? Ready, Okay!

At TeenVoid, we can assume that Whitney beat out the tough competition for the Real Job as Lauren greets her with “Look at you with your new desk! I’m proud of you with your new job!” They banter a bit about how different their Intern Fortress of Solitude is now that Whitney is Lauren’s boss (awk-ward!) and that the sweaters in the sweater closet have been organized. Am I to understand that Lauren and Whitney worked their for two years and never organized the sweater closet? That would have been the first thing I did right after stealing Editrix Love’s rolodex and inviting all of the Hollywood fashion elite to a runway show (in my pants).

Lauren tells Whitney (and us) about the totally heinous LC-JWahl rumor about a sex tape that has yet to surface and how the news worked its way back to Laguna and her parents. Having had the “just a heads up, you might be seeing some pictures of me on the internet” talk with my parents many times (daddy issues, what can I say), I really feel for you.

This episode is brought to you by the phrase “You Know What You Did,” which we’ve all seen Lauren scream in the trailers. Heidi gets the last billing in the credits, and there are no group shots that include her. And no shots at all of her in a tiara. ::single tear::

I can’t say anything that Maggie hasn’t already said about High School Musical 2: Havana Nights. But I can cop to the fact that I spent the first hour of my workweek scouring YouTube to get my HSM fix, and came up with the “official video” for breakout hit “I Don’t Dance,” which incorporates nearly every player I’ve ever had on any fantasy baseball team of mine. Plus Bronson Arroyo. Plenty of Jose Reyes high fives, plus David Wright exactly as I like to think of him: Sliding into home.

I think reality shows that demand two nights worth of your time per week are mean. I can’t even commit to a deodorant, let alone four hours a week of American Idol. This is why I didn’t know who Jordin Sparks was until Glamour told me she was more recognizable than Laura Bush. (Actually, I can’t remember the Legitimately Famous Person they used as a comparison, but it was Laura Bush-esque. This is Glamour’s fault for not having a search function on their website).

BUT I make an exception for So You Think You Can Dance. They follow the semi-standard Performance Show/ Results Show format, which makes it the ultimate promo for DVR as you can condense the results show (which is generally padded with dramatic music, solo dances no one cares about, and performances from the likes of Nick Lachey) down to about 7 minutes. Which makes you feel productive (because you can spend the remaining 53 minutes in the hour washing dishes or curing cancer) and lazy (because you’re watching reality tv) at the same time!

It’s hard to talk about how good this show is in words because it’s such a visual experience. It’s also hard for me to put into words how much I love the host, Cat Deeley, who is British and adorable and incredibly tall and who I’d like to keep in a box on my desk at work and have her chirp “Well done, you lot!” every time I do anything. Also, she is a perfect mix of Anne Hathaway (holla Becoming Jane! Cannot WAIT) and Jessica St Claire from Best Week Ever.

+

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See? SEE? You love her too, right??

My other other favorite part is that they rotate choreographers and (apparently) instruct them to use contemporary music whenever possible, which means you’ll quickly start associating Avril’s “Girlfriend” and Lifehouse’s “That terrible song that no one can ever get out of their head” with jiving and waltzing respectively (which is good, since my preexisting associations with those two were “retarded canadian” and “what’s the best angle at which to cut my wrists so that the blood flows quickly”). Unfortunately, this also means that Wade Robson has a platform through which he can force ten dancers to each perform the same solo to “Waiting on the World To Change” that ends with them peace-signing the audience. (How much do I love wikipedia, by the way? A ton. Fun facts about Wade: Born in ’82 (younger than me! fun!); called to testify in the first michael jackson trial about sleepovers he had in the pop star’s bed with Macaulay Culkin; is nominated for a Emmy for his choreography on the show).

I’m rambling. Let’s allow the dancing to speak for itself, shall we?

1. Lacey and Kameron broadway it up to All That Jazz. (Clip includes pre-dance info, actual dancing begins at 2:44):

Lacey is my current favorite on the show, as she is (a) adorable (b) not one of the douches who said they wanted to be an astronaut when asked on the show about their future ambitions outside of dance and (c) sister to last year’s champion Benji Schwimmer. I love a good family dynasty (ask me sometime when you have 3 or so hours free about my brothers and our speeches at our respective high school graduations. Okay, yes, I was only allowed near the podium to introduce the person who was elected to speak on behalf of my class whereas my brothers were said elected person, but still. Threepeat!). Her partner for the first half of the show, Kameron, full on rode Lacey’s coattails for the first half of the season and was dropped as soon as he had to dance with someone else. You’ll notice Kameron doing his signature backflip in the opening, which every choreographer he worked with included in his routine.

2. Lauren and Pasha rock a hip hop routine:

Here’s why this is awesome: Pasha is a ballroom dancer and not supposed to be good at this. They are wearing glow in the dark Tshirts with the human skeleton on them. The opening is Transformers themed. It was choreographed by the dude who choreographed You Got Served.

3. Danny and Anya dance the Jive to “Girlfriend:”

I still really like this song.

4. Ivan and Allison umbrella dance:

Last season, still awesome. Just like:

5. Ivan and Allison dance to “Why:”

As I type this, Tifauxers Maggie and Kyle are on a tropical cruise, most likely rocking out in the karaoke lounge to the theme song from The Nanny, and Freebird (both of which I’ve seen Maggie and Kyle, respectively, do live, without any need for the scrolling lyrics in front of them. Also, is Freebird one word? I’m not googling it. Don’t post angry comments about my lack of knowledge). That means it’s up to me and Tifaux Dan to hold down the fort for a week. If it were after August 13 I would be in no way nervous about that (HELLO, SEASON PREMIERE OF THE HILLS! I’m not as entranced by the current trailers as I was by last season’s pregnancy test stunner, but I do get goosebumps every time Intern Whitney remarks that Lauren might be better off without Heidi and Lauren calmly responds “I am so far” in a quiet, soulful voice) but, it isn’t, so it’s time to get creative.

LUCKILY, today I get to say the words I’ve wanted to say for months. MY BOYS IS BACK ON! Wooot! Holla at ya, TBS!

I used to think that loving My Boys was more shameful than, say, not realizing after 4 years as an english major and 4 years as a “publishing professional” that the title of the book was not, in fact, The Unbearable Likeness of Being (that was a rough conference call, let me tell you). I was wrong. You really do have something for everyone here– ambiguous mixed-gender relationships, jokes about beer, comedian Jim Gaffigan (whom The Boyfriend tells me fantabulous at stand-up, except that The Boyfriend would never say the word fantabulous), and a hot chick who knows a lot about baseball. When we closed on the first season, lead character P.J. had just made out with her best friend Brandon, much to my dismay as I chalked up another loss for team “Really, I have a platonic male best friend and I’ve never seen his underwear.” New episodes start tonight at 10 on TBS.

And, on the off chance that you have nothing to do for the hour before that, you should devote some time to figuring out which of your local stations is ABC Family just so you can watch Greek.

A frighteningly precise interpretation of my college days.

Maggie already previewed Greek, which I first heard of via their slightly odd social networking site where you can go through “virtual rush” and cruise through all of the Greek houses as well as the engineering club and athletic club (this kind of reminds me of the board game Barbie: Queen of the Prom where you have to become a club president, get an afterschool job and save money, buy a dress, and find a boyfriend and get him to go steady with you before you can become Queen Of The Prom. It’s that easy).

The quick catch up: Casey is rush chair of her sorority. Her boyfriend cheated on her with one of her pledges. Her younger brother has a Jesus-loving roommate in the engineering honors dorm, and decideds to pledge the fraternity of Casey’s fun-loving slacker ex-boyfriend. The younger brother also has a friend who’s a member of the cheating boyfriend’s fraternity and has yet to admit to anyone (including… himself) that he’s gay. None of this actually matters. What matters is, outside a few cringe-inducing moments of over-acting (most of which come to us at the hands of Younger Brother Rusty), the writing is hilarious and fast paced and contemporary and more CW than ABC Family. If you paid for your friends in college (as I did, no shame), you’ll recognize the girl who plans 8 mixers in a row with a “pimps and hos” theme, and if you didn’t, you can congratulate yourself on having morals while you wished the girls living next door to you in college demonstrated a similar propensity for running around their lawn in their panties. Monday, 9 pm, ABC Family.