It’s about the cutest video about death you could possibly imagine.

Watch it?

Now you have a crush on Zooey Deschanel. You’re welcome.

Water polo: That’s what I’m talking about.

People watch the Olympics to participate in the universal phenomenon. It’s a rare show of international cooperation — a tradition that is like no other in its scale and grandeur.

Me, I watch it for the hot softcore action.

And don’t pretend you don’t either, judgey. Even people who are really interested in displays of patriotism or athleticism can’t deny that the buffness on the men and women of the Olympics is highly distracting (and, if you must know, somewhat shaming).

As such, here is a quick round-up of the absolute hottest Olympians. I’ve rated them on a scale of one to five pecs. I’m including mens sports and womens sports, although I’m just taking my best guess on the ladies. Straight guys and lesbians should feel free to pipe up and correct me or make alternate suggestions.

Men’s gymnastics – Mens gymnastics is notable for psychotic upper body strength. However, I have to take minor deductions because of the floor routines which are, frankly, not hot. (Four pecs)

Men’s water polo – My new obsession. The problem with water polo is that the players are mostly obscured by water. However, when they’re sitting on the bench (damn, that sport must be exhausting) they are probably the hottest Olympians of them all. The fact that they have to wear their silly swim caps while being otherwise almost nude only serves to make them more humble about it. (Five pecs)

Men’s rowing – Plenty hot, but infinitely boring. (Three pecs)

Women’s beach volleyball – Admittedly, you should consider the source, but I found the womens beach volleyball team way hotter than the mens. I think it might be something about how tough they are — the grit of the sand, the bare midriffs, etc. (Five pecs)

Women’s softball – If for no other reason than Jennie Finch, right? (Three pecs)

Show Title	Season
1st Amendment Stand Up	Season 2
Blue Murder	Set 3
Caroline in the City	The Complete 1st Season
Dave’s World	The 1st Season
Eon Kid	Season 1, Volume 1
Kenny vs. Spenny	Season 4 (Comedy Central Season 1)
Love Boat, The	Season 1, Volume 2
Multiple Shows	Frightfully Funny Collection Volume 1, Super Heroes Vol. 2
Prison Break	Season 3
Racing Game, The (mini-series)	The Racing Game
South Park	The Complete 11th Season
Superman/Aquaman Hour of Adventure, The	DC Super Heroes: The Filmation Adventures
That Girl	Season 4
Tom and Jerry Tales	Volume 5
Tru Calling	The Complete Series
Wall Street Warriors	Wall Street Warriors Season 2
Wire, The	Season 5

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• Will South Park pay tribute to Isaac Hayes?
• Lost actors renegotiating
• Martha Stewart creates show devoted to mocking Martha Stewart (not The Onion)
• An interview with my hometown’s most famous celeb: New York
• What we aren’t watching: Swingtown
• Margaret Cho talks about her Kathy Griffin-esque reality series
• New Battlestar movie seems more like an attempt to
• Mr T is not a homophobe
• This day in lists: 11 funny commercials through the eyes of a psychiatrists