Let me open my first-ever news round-up for TiFaux by gently correcting a few personal factoids provided by my good buddy Dan: I’ve “always carried a torch for Damon Albarn”? Really, Dan? C’mon. Like, 1997 through the release of Think Tank. Lately, I’ve been all about James Marsden. (Thanks for something, Hairspray!) And Van Helsing was totally his idea; I merely provided the ride. But I do live outside Baltimore, and I am a vegan, so there’s that. But just to make Dan into a source of complete and utter misinformation, why, I’ve suddenly decided to move to Georgetown and eat a cow. Just kidding. Maybe.

Now that introductions are out of the way, I’m sad to report that it’s kind of a slow news day.

• Tyra Banks’ sex life is being ruined by Tyra Banks’ wig — and not, surprisingly, by the fact that she’s Tyra Banks.
• How can I not link to an interview with the fabulous Melissa McCarthy? I sure as hell don’t watch her new Samantha Who? show, but if you’ve ever seen her memorable bit part in Go, Doug Liman’s 1999 let’s-hit-up-a-rave-with-the-future-Mrs.-Tom-Cruise comedy-thriller, well, you’d link to it, too.
• Oh. And there’s this Writer’s-Guild-strike-thing going on. I dunno if you’ve heard about it. It’s upsetting a lot of people. I think Ellen Degeneres even killed somebody! Anyway, as always, there’s some breaking news about that.
• The Bachelor fans are pretty pissed off about this season finale’s Most Shocking Rose Ceremony Ever. One über-frustrated devotee wrote that this is “IT FOR [HER]” (her caps, not mine) on ABC.com’s message board, which I estimate will bring the number of next season’s viewers down to 13.
• I simply can’t watch America’s The Office because the British original is so near and dear to my miserly heart. Sorry. But since everybody else loves it, everybody else might be thrilled — thrilled! — to know that . (I mostly wanted to link to this news item because the reader comments are so informative. Before today, I’d never heard of Angela Kinsey, and now I know that she’s pregnant, that she met her husband on interracialloves.com, and that she apparently has nudie pics available on nudistconnection.com. God bless the Internet.)
• Have mercy, indeed. Two writers from Entertainment Weekly watched all eight seasons of Full House in a straight 75-hour shot. After reading their diary, I’m seriously bummed that, as of this afternoon, nobody has put the telethon episode — wherein Stephanie dances to “Love Shack” and D.J. sings “Lollipops & Gummi Bears” (the lyrics: shudder) — on YouTube. Come on now, junkies. You know what you need to do.