Last night a base was stolen, so America gets a taco. America, you can claim your taco at Taco Bell next Tuesday between the hours of 2 and 5 PM.

Just writing that sentence made me laugh so hard I could barely see the screen. So stupid. So funny.

It’s a little more than a month into the new TV season and it’s time to draw some conclusions. And, given my known love of information displayed in numbered lists and clearly-displayed graphs, here’s a chart plotting which shows have delivered on their promise and which have disappointed. The upper left and lower right quadrants are our “surprise” zones and these five shows defied our expectations for the better or worse.

Some have under-delivered. Viva Laughlin could have been a new favorite, but stumbled right out of the gate. Not just stumbled — face-planted, broke its leg and had to be shot. Some have defied even our high expectations. Pushing Daisies could have been a gimmick-ridden novelty, but turned out to be an incredibly charming, one-of-a-kind fantasy.

Take a look and see if you agree with our placements.

Listen. We’re friends, right? Maybe not Hold Your Hair and Rub Your Back As You Puke friends, but at least Think Twice Before I Make Out With Your Boyfriend friends, I would hope. I know I haven’t forced my opinions on you since waaay back with episode 4 of The Hills, and I’m hoping that this lapse in time will actually serve to make my opinion more valuable than it was before, because you need to be watching this show:

Full disclosure time: I don’t really like football. I can occasionally get it up for college football, but that’s generally only once a year when Navy plays beats Army. (I’ve never used the intentional strikethrough gag before. I somehow feel like less of a person now). I have some deep seeded issues with high school football in particular, since I worry that inflating 16 year olds to such a regal status at such a young age sets them up for intense disappointment for the rest of their lives, big fish small pond style. Also, I was in marching band in high school, and I never got over it.

But I still think Friday Night Lights is the best show on television (best drama, anyway. 30 Rock, holla). I just recently finished the DVDs of season one (which . Seriously, that is the cost of like 3 beers, and it will love you a lot longer than they will) and after 3 episodes I was already at the point where just hearing the theme music was enough to make me cry and feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest.

I know there are concerns, and I’m about to address all of them. #1) “I feel creepy watching a show about high school kids.” This one comes to us courtesy of my older brother, but don’t let him fool you, he burned through two seasons of Veronica Mars in about a week and never thought twice about the creepiness factor, so I’m dismissing this one. #2) “But we’re already three epsiodes into season 2, and I have no idea what’s going on.” Bitch, please. Like I would leave you hanging. Ready? Okay!

Here’s Jason. He used to be starting quarterback before he went and got himself paralyzed. Now he plays quad rugby, explores shady Mexican surgery options, and deals with the fact that his bangin’ girlfriend (see: Lyla) banged his BFF (see: Tim).

Speak of the devil! Here’s Lyla. And okay, fine, maybe she cheated on her paralyzed boyfriend, but he wasn’t being particularly nice to her at the time. Also, and this goes without saying, anyone who gets the chance to sleep with Tim should take it. Anyhoo, now Lyla has found Jesus, and leads school Bible groups with a hilarious string of Dr Seuss sounding prayers that go something like “Christ above me, Christ beside me, Christ within me…” and will leave you shouting “Christ behind me! SAY IT!” at the tv.

And here’s Matt and Julie. Matt became QB1 following Jason’s accident, and then put the moves on Julie, the coach’s daughter, who has bangs. This is really all you need to know here, except that Julie somehow became an idiot this season when her parents had another baby and her dad took a job far away and she dumped Matt so that she could run around being and idiot and because she wanted to give me a good reason to hate her. Mission accomplished.

And Tyra, my favorite, filling the role of hardened-slutty-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold-and-a-shot-at-a-better-future-if-she-just-applies-herself. Tyra also used to make out with Tim. Last season she was almost sexually assaulted by Some Random Dude but she beat the hell out of him and I loved her for it. Then he showed up again to finish the job this season, and it would have been a problem except…

Landry went and killed the dude because he’s in love with Tyra, and then the two of them dumped the body in a river.

And here’s Coach Taylor, who left the Dillon Panthers for a job coaching a college team but is obviously going to come back because having him gone is like those first 600 pages of book 7 where harry isn’t at Hogwarts that made me want to kill myself. And his ridiculously hot and completely awesome wife.

And here’s Tim, or, as my cousin erin likes to call him, “why weren’t the football players that hot when we were in high school?” Tim’s got a bit of a drinking problem and some daddy issues and a tendency to sleep with the single mothers in his neighborhood and a small obsession with Lyla even though she now has a big obsession with Jesus, but it’s cool because they’re constantly showing him in the rain:

NBC, Fridays, 9pm. On the off chance that you don’t feel totally caught up to speed, complete episodes here.

From what I hear, the most recent season of 24 was a clunker. Perhaps that’s what drove Kiefer to the bottle. In any case, via The TV Addict, here’s a look at what’s in store for next season — hopefully they’re stepping it up.[kml_flashembed /PvLpSDwKCqQ" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

He’s a mogwai.

• Mark your calendars for April — that’s when Battlestar returns.
• Daniel Day-Kim is the .
• The Fall Out Boy singer is going to be on Law and Order.
• Has Grey’s Anatomy found itself a lesbian?
• The NY Times reports on Werewolf Bar Mitzvah.
• Back to You .
• Ladies: are you desperate? Do you kind of hate yourself? Well, the Bachelor 12 is now casting.
• Yay.  More scripts have been ordered for Dirty Sexy Money.
• An interview with Scrubs’ Bill Lawrence.
• More Reaper scripts have been ordered.