A riddle: What is nearly invisible when viewed from the side and is often mistaken for a member of the Rat Pack?

(answer after the jump)

Previously: LC spends a day delivering a dress to NYC. Audrina and one of the Brads have an awkward date. Heidi makes many pro-lifers reconsider their stance. (issue #45: I refuse to use exclamation points in my recaps from this point on because this show is endlessly boring. We all mourn in different ways, please respect mine).

The gals pal around their apartment and discuss different hiccup curing techniques. "Drinking water upside down works for me," LC offers. "I always go with having unprotected sex," chirps Heidi in return. They're interrupted by a knock at the door, which is opened to reveal a flower delivery boy almost entirely eclipsed by his foliage offering. "Who'd you get a tree from?" Heidi asks. "You mother?" (issue #46: subtext, you are ugly and unlovable and boys don't send you pretty things. The last special delivery Heidi got from a suitor probably lead to a 14 day series of antibiodics, so I'm guessing this is some residual bitterness). But wait– the flowers. are. from. JASON. If I were using exclamation points, now would be the time to do so.

 "More than Words" by Extreme swells in the background.

Theme song tells LC to feel the rain on her skin. In this case, let's assume "the rain" is code for "your cheating piece o' shit exboyfriend who didn't graduate from high school and can't even keep it in his pants at the fashion show you organized for mudslide victims." MTV has titled this show "Lauren and Jason, Take 2." (issue #47: Are we out of clever 4 word witticisms? Is everyone else as bored by this show as I am?)

At TeenVoid, Whit and LC talk about the Jason breakup, and we find out that LC wasn't satisfied with his apology. Let's also assume "apology" is code for "personal hygiene skills." Cut to: Heidi at Bolthouse where she is SWAMPED with FILING. Cut to: yet another land line message from Jason.

Then we get an artfully cut montage of LC getting ready- show me the pearls. Yes, yes, now the headband. Good, LC, work it, baby. (issue #48: I don't know if they have different water pressure out here in the hills or what, but I'm having some issues with LC's hair of late. With all of her, but mainly the hair. It just looks so… uninspired. Oooh, maybe this is going to be a metaphor– like, once her life turns around, she'll be all perky and bouncy and her hair will look great once more. Like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). LC arrives at her date with Jason (issue #49: Jason, how nice of you to roll out of bed and wear your best Tshirt and shave for the date with the lady you're trying to re-woo). LC gives him hell about being a dick, and I'm proud of her.

And then we get the best moment on this series thus far, where the Bolthouse crew builds up the big Vegas trip and you can almost see Heidi wetting her pants with excitement before they drop the "and you can't go, cause you're not 21" bomb on her and she immediately gets all pouty-faced. Oh, I loved it. How I liked this show in that exact moment.

Jason busts into TeenVoid (issue #50: Good work, security desk) to deliver yet more flowers and take LC to lunch (issues #51-52: when jason's food arrives, he declares it "gnarly," and his shirt has "Ready, Steady, Go! Go!" stamped on it. I object to the word choice in both instances, and the exclamation use in one). They make boring conversation about going to a boring movie. Meanwhile, at Bolthouse Heidi declares "I don't really 'get' this company. I mean, I quit school for this." (issue #53: you would have quit school to chase a butterfly down the street, moron). At TeenVoid LC and Whitney discuss the meaning of flowers (LC's dad had told her that "flowers mean I'm Sorry and chocolates mean I Love You." what healthy relationships he must have) and whitney declares "sometimes there are just some people that you never get over," to the delight of the producers that were foaming at the mouth, waiting for SOMEONE to deliver a soundbite-worthy quote on this show.

LC lounges poolside with her sidekick texting Jason when Heidi strolls up in the worst bathing suit ever invented. Seriously. It's like… you know, I can't even try to explain it. It's BAD. Heidi implores her to "be careful with Jason" while LC insists "it's different this time." (issue #54: along with "the cops never come down this way" and "I know I should use a condom, but when's the next time I'll be in Haiti?" these are the most famous last words ever). Heidi emphatically declares "I will kill him if he does it again," and for once, Heidi has the air of a remotely normal person about her, and I almost like her for being worried about her friend. Almost.

Back at work, Heidi forgets to get her boss his drink when she fetches him lunch. Drama! "I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna quit," she says tearfully into the phone. Yes, day 3 at a new workplace can really be trying.

LC and Jason take in one of those "moving pictures" or "talkies" that are all the rage today. When he drops LC off, Jason moves in for the two-handed face hold make out, a move I've been a fan of since popularized by Pacey Whitter back in the day, and the audience wonders Is? It? Burning? An? Eternal? Flaaaaaaame?

Episode issue count: 10   Season issue count: 54

If Six Feet Under were still going on today, I would be writing about it on TiFaux with a manic, Project Runway-like fervor.  As far as scripted shows go (that is, shows that I enjoy because they're actually good), I'd probably go so far as to say it is my favorite of all time.

The mother, the sister, the younger brother, his boyfriend, the older brother, his girlfriend, the mortician, the stepdad.

Now, before I go into all the ways this show was amazing, including the writing (which was brilliant) and the acting (which was superlative), I really think I should express the reason why I kept tuning in.  More than anything, this show was just engrossing.  For every wacky left turn that it took, every time a character made a bad decision (which was pretty much the only kind of decision they made), I was always left wanting more.  You want to see how these people were going to fuck up their lives, even though you were constantly rooting for them to get it together. 

For those of you who don't know the premise, here it is in a nutshell.  The Fisher and Sons funeral home was operated by the late Nathaniel Fisher, Sr. until a mack truck ended his life in the series' pilot. The action of SFU centers around the remaining four members of the Fisher family and their lovers, friends and miscellaneous cohorts.  They are:

• Ruth Fisher – the family matriarch, played by the unbe-fucking-lievable Frances Conroy.  After the death of her husband, she's constantly trying to make up for a lifetime spent making potato salad and raising the kids.  I really admire Conroy's performance the most. Ruth is snippy and tightly wound, but given to flights of girlishness and adventure.  Conroy just balances it all really well.
• Nate Fisher, Jr. – the eldest son, played by former Sports Night hottie Peter Krause.  Ne'er-do-well and aging hippie, Nate lives in the shadow of his namesake and is pulled, kicking and screaming, back into the family business.  While the show is basically an ensemble drama, if there had to be a protagonist it'd be Nate.  He's immature and feels too much, but is a big enough softie that he's willing to move back to LA for his family.
• David Fisher – the middle child, played by the amazing Michael C. Hall. David is the poster child for repression.  Just as tightly wound as his mother (more?), David begins the series in the closet (dating "big black sex cop" Keith) and psychotically devoted to the family business. David's character arc is one of the most topsy-turvy, taking a jaw-dropping turn in the fourth season as he undergoes a traumatic experience.
• Claire Fisher – the doe-eyed little girl starts out as an angst-ridden teenager and spirals into a freewheeling artist. All of the Fishers are pretty self-obsessed, but Claire takes it to a whole new level.  Still, she's also the most honest one in the whole family, even when she's being a brat.

There's a huge cast of supporting characters including Rico, the Fisher's diminutive mortician, and Brenda, Nate's on-again/off-again beau.  They're all rich and well-played, entering and exiting storylines naturally over the course of the series.

So, why do I love this show?

Patricia Arquette, just cut it out.  Will ya?

1. Hex, BBC-America. Reason I watched it: a reviewer in the New York Times said it was better than Buffy. WHAT? I said, and immediately tifauxed it in indignation. Going into it with an attitude like that… not promising. Also not promising: stories that meander and go nowhere (except very obvious places), almost no evidence of witchery or anything supernatural despite everyone being mildly scared all the time, dull as dishwater (and twice as stupid) heroine — I could go on. To be fair, I'm going to watch one more episode. But I expect my initial resentment isn't going anywhere.

2. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, the Disney Channel. Reason I watched it: I heard it was popular with children? Honestly, I have no idea. I blame High School Musical for lowering my standards. And I guess I'm fond of the concept of a bunch of kids living in a hotel (ask me about my crappy novel). Anyway, I had no idea it was a sitcom, so that was a disappointment right away. It's about twins. That live in a hotel. Because their mother — sings there? That part wasn't clear. The janitor (pardon me, hotel engineer) is in love with their mom and apparently faints all the time, and nobody talks about the fact that he seems mildly retarded. Sharpay works for the Michel-from-Gilmore-Girls rip-off. There's a bratty Asian girl. Everyone learns a lesson. The end. The sad thing is, in fifteen years, 25-year-olds will be posting the opening credits sequence from this show and dying of nostalgia.

[Side note: Spent a long time trying to discover why Dylan and Cole Sprouse are famous. The only thing I could figure is that they were the kid in Big Daddy. To which I say: Really? That's it? Wow. They're just handing out sitcoms to any kid off the street, aren't they?]

3. Cheaper by the Dozen, TBS. Yeah, I know this is a movie. But it's been playing nonstop. Reason I watched it: It was there. Reason I continued watching it even after the commercial break, and then tifauxed it so I could see the beginning: Tom Welling. I don't even watch Smallville, but maybe I should start…

So he's slightly more beefcake than I usually care for. He's still purrrty. 

Also racing through Firefly (love, love, love it), just finished the second disk of the first season of Lost (I suspected Sawyer was a TAAGH, now I know for sure), and am taking on Undeclared over the July 4th weekend. But I'm not watching those for bad reasons. They're just good.