News nuggets to get you through your mid-morning slump.

• Big Brother: All-Stars will be broadcast on CBS.com. Who cares? Well, I kind of do.  Don't judge me.
• The Sopranos gotta get paid, son.  The cast, who always seem to be haggling for money, has two holdouts in contract negotiations.  Both sides seem to be talking tough about a separation.
• Ricky Gervais, originator of the British "The Office," is returning to the tube.  Only in England.  And he's not so much seen as he is heard.  Apparently, he just signed a deal to narrate and write a stop-motion animation version of his fantasy book series "Flanimals."  The Flanimals' names are Puddloflaj, Munty Flumple, Clunge Ambler and Grundit.  Yeah, I don't know.
• Emily De Ravin, aka Claire from Lost, got married to some dude who was apparently in Charlie's Angels 2.
• In Real World/Fresh Meat news, rumor has it that Melinda has dumped Danny!  I totally hope she threw that corporate-sponsored ring at him.
• The third and (sigh) final season of Arrested Development will be on DVD August 29 and will feature a bunch of extras including audio commentaries, a behind-the-scenes featurette and bloopers.

Because it's Friday and I have a wee hangover, all I can do is stare at videos. And so I present Part Three of the series Nickelodeon: Opening Credits of My Youth (Animation).

First up, Inspector Gadget! I really have nothing to say about this, except that it is clearly awesome.

And by far the best and most timeless credits sequence: Doug. I swear if anyone hums this song to you, you will recognize it and not know why. ALSO, the name of the "famous band" in Doug: The Beets. The name of their hit song: . (Don't click on that link unless you're prepared for the worst YouTube has to offer.)

Last but certainly not least, there's Jem. I don't believe this show was technically on Nickelodeon, but I had to include it because occasionally I've tried to explain to people that I used to watch a cartoon about a singer who had magic earrings and battled a group of other singers and was also a regular girl, and people don't exactly believe me. The Jem single "Glitter and Gold" may have been my first-ever cassette tape.

And that's it, folks. Most of these videos originated with RetroJunk, which you should check out if you're still feeling nostalgic. They have everything.

Some of you may have noticed the "Obey Saget" link we've added to the sidebar. It's some shameless cross-promotion for my new Obey Saget website which is dedicated to spreading the word about the wonderfully filthy comedian Bob Saget. You might remember him from such programs as Full House, and America's Funniest Home Videos, but in recent years–starting with his excellent cameo in Half Baked–the real Bob Saget has been showing up more and more. Check out the site, and if you want to help spread the word, buy a t-shirt or a messenger bag, or one of the many other Obey Saget products available there.

We also have a version of those random fact generators the kids like so damn much. It was inspired by a particularly filthy, supposedly true legend about Bob Saget and I invite all our TiFaux readers to submit your own and try to top it. 

Finally, for those of you stuck in the past, here's a reminder of how much time they used to waste on credit sequences.

Recap:

Cristin writes: 

Wes and Johanna continue to rain hatred on one another as they look towards exile. The crazy kids decide that a costume party is just what they need to heat things up, and tonya throws on some red underwear, smears her makeup, and comes as… paris hilton? anna nicole? herself? We never find out. Wes and JoJo settle their issues while nestled in bunkbeds. Nothing says Responsible Adult Relationship like summer camp fixtures.

The Rollin In Oates challenge involves the competitors transferring sticky oats using only their bodys, and treats viewers to the sight of cuddly Eric in a speedo, who comments on how his balls are stifled by the swimsuit. "I'm all taters," he declares, and I promptly fall in love with him. Continuing in the theme of Using Inappropriate Body Parts To Attract Attention and Glory, Coral uses her massive boobs of hatred to move the oats (how I wish that was a metaphor), and Coral/ Evan take home yet another challenge.

Wes/Casey face Johanna/ Jesse in exile and, hey, has anyone else noticed that Jesse looks a lot like Mark Paul Gosselar? Well, if you didn't, you never will, cause they lose due to basic stupidity after forgetting to retrieve their team flags. Wes berates Casey through the entire mission, and during their tearful departure, Johanna tells Wes that he needs to be more respectful of his partner.

Cristin's two cents:

At this point, the person I most want to slap is Casey. Here's what Casey should do: wait until they get put into exile again, and the first time Wes screams at her that she's "useless" or declares her a "stupid bitch" on national television, she should sit down and refuse to move until he's spent a good ten minutes groveling. He cannot win without her, and he doesn't deserve to keep playing if he's going to be a ruthless, unmitigated dickhead. She has all of the power and doesn't even realize because, ironically, as Wes points out, she's a complete moron. Wes still deserves to get herpes for what he says to her, though. And now I've officially crossed the line and am Taking This Too Seriously.

Dan's two cents:

I've never really thought much about Johanna.  That is, thought about her at all.  She's the Sporty Spice, the thanks-for-coming-but-who-really-cares.  But I actually grew a little bit of respect for her when she put Wes in his place after the exile.  Her whole "would you want someone talking to your mom like that" speech was very effective and, if you saw him in the background during some closing shots, he was actually eating shit. 

In other news, could someone hire me to be a professional mess like Tonya?  And Cristin, is the discussion of one's "taters" all a man has to do to win your affections? I never pictured you as having a weakness for Southern-fried euphemisms.

The Scoreboard:

Teams:
Cristin's Blue Iguanas: Katie/Eric; Johanna/Jesse; Tonya/Johnnie; Theo/Chanda; Shane/Linette
Dan's Green Monkeys: Coral/Evan; Melinda/Ryan; Tina/Kenny; Darrell/Aviv; Derrick/Diem

Dan's old total: 18

Dan's new total: 26

There is just no way that can be true. A person who dated David Cross cannot then go on to date Rush Limbaugh. It violates everything I think I know and understand about human nature and the way the world works.

Please, someone… explain how this could happen. 

Update: Check me out, I managed to compare Rush Limbaugh to the beloved TAAGHs. Also, that Pete & Pete post I was talking about earlier went up a couple days ago. 

News nuggets to help you through the mid-morning slump.

• Bravo's new Web site for Project Runway is live. Now you can get a better look at the contestants, including the mannish-looking Laura.  In addition, there's a blog by none other than Daniel Vosovic.
• Bravo has confirmed that Katie Lee Joel is on the outs on Top Chef.
• ABC will stream episodes of various shows for free in September, deeming its previous trial run a success.  Meanwhile, NBC and You Tube are having babies.  You Tube will give NBC its own channel on the site, which will be used to promote new and returning shows.
• Blade: The Series premieres tonight and no one cares.
• In unrelated news, I went to see We Are Scientists last night and decided to carry the skinny, floppy-haired lovechildren of the lead singer.  See the here.

A riddle: What is nearly invisible when viewed from the side and is often mistaken for a member of the Rat Pack?

(answer after the jump)

Previously: LC spends a day delivering a dress to NYC. Audrina and one of the Brads have an awkward date. Heidi makes many pro-lifers reconsider their stance. (issue #45: I refuse to use exclamation points in my recaps from this point on because this show is endlessly boring. We all mourn in different ways, please respect mine).

The gals pal around their apartment and discuss different hiccup curing techniques. "Drinking water upside down works for me," LC offers. "I always go with having unprotected sex," chirps Heidi in return. They're interrupted by a knock at the door, which is opened to reveal a flower delivery boy almost entirely eclipsed by his foliage offering. "Who'd you get a tree from?" Heidi asks. "You mother?" (issue #46: subtext, you are ugly and unlovable and boys don't send you pretty things. The last special delivery Heidi got from a suitor probably lead to a 14 day series of antibiodics, so I'm guessing this is some residual bitterness). But wait– the flowers. are. from. JASON. If I were using exclamation points, now would be the time to do so.

 "More than Words" by Extreme swells in the background.

Theme song tells LC to feel the rain on her skin. In this case, let's assume "the rain" is code for "your cheating piece o' shit exboyfriend who didn't graduate from high school and can't even keep it in his pants at the fashion show you organized for mudslide victims." MTV has titled this show "Lauren and Jason, Take 2." (issue #47: Are we out of clever 4 word witticisms? Is everyone else as bored by this show as I am?)

At TeenVoid, Whit and LC talk about the Jason breakup, and we find out that LC wasn't satisfied with his apology. Let's also assume "apology" is code for "personal hygiene skills." Cut to: Heidi at Bolthouse where she is SWAMPED with FILING. Cut to: yet another land line message from Jason.

Then we get an artfully cut montage of LC getting ready- show me the pearls. Yes, yes, now the headband. Good, LC, work it, baby. (issue #48: I don't know if they have different water pressure out here in the hills or what, but I'm having some issues with LC's hair of late. With all of her, but mainly the hair. It just looks so… uninspired. Oooh, maybe this is going to be a metaphor– like, once her life turns around, she'll be all perky and bouncy and her hair will look great once more. Like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). LC arrives at her date with Jason (issue #49: Jason, how nice of you to roll out of bed and wear your best Tshirt and shave for the date with the lady you're trying to re-woo). LC gives him hell about being a dick, and I'm proud of her.

And then we get the best moment on this series thus far, where the Bolthouse crew builds up the big Vegas trip and you can almost see Heidi wetting her pants with excitement before they drop the "and you can't go, cause you're not 21" bomb on her and she immediately gets all pouty-faced. Oh, I loved it. How I liked this show in that exact moment.

Jason busts into TeenVoid (issue #50: Good work, security desk) to deliver yet more flowers and take LC to lunch (issues #51-52: when jason's food arrives, he declares it "gnarly," and his shirt has "Ready, Steady, Go! Go!" stamped on it. I object to the word choice in both instances, and the exclamation use in one). They make boring conversation about going to a boring movie. Meanwhile, at Bolthouse Heidi declares "I don't really 'get' this company. I mean, I quit school for this." (issue #53: you would have quit school to chase a butterfly down the street, moron). At TeenVoid LC and Whitney discuss the meaning of flowers (LC's dad had told her that "flowers mean I'm Sorry and chocolates mean I Love You." what healthy relationships he must have) and whitney declares "sometimes there are just some people that you never get over," to the delight of the producers that were foaming at the mouth, waiting for SOMEONE to deliver a soundbite-worthy quote on this show.

LC lounges poolside with her sidekick texting Jason when Heidi strolls up in the worst bathing suit ever invented. Seriously. It's like… you know, I can't even try to explain it. It's BAD. Heidi implores her to "be careful with Jason" while LC insists "it's different this time." (issue #54: along with "the cops never come down this way" and "I know I should use a condom, but when's the next time I'll be in Haiti?" these are the most famous last words ever). Heidi emphatically declares "I will kill him if he does it again," and for once, Heidi has the air of a remotely normal person about her, and I almost like her for being worried about her friend. Almost.

Back at work, Heidi forgets to get her boss his drink when she fetches him lunch. Drama! "I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna quit," she says tearfully into the phone. Yes, day 3 at a new workplace can really be trying.

LC and Jason take in one of those "moving pictures" or "talkies" that are all the rage today. When he drops LC off, Jason moves in for the two-handed face hold make out, a move I've been a fan of since popularized by Pacey Whitter back in the day, and the audience wonders Is? It? Burning? An? Eternal? Flaaaaaaame?

Episode issue count: 10   Season issue count: 54

If Six Feet Under were still going on today, I would be writing about it on TiFaux with a manic, Project Runway-like fervor.  As far as scripted shows go (that is, shows that I enjoy because they're actually good), I'd probably go so far as to say it is my favorite of all time.

The mother, the sister, the younger brother, his boyfriend, the older brother, his girlfriend, the mortician, the stepdad.

Now, before I go into all the ways this show was amazing, including the writing (which was brilliant) and the acting (which was superlative), I really think I should express the reason why I kept tuning in.  More than anything, this show was just engrossing.  For every wacky left turn that it took, every time a character made a bad decision (which was pretty much the only kind of decision they made), I was always left wanting more.  You want to see how these people were going to fuck up their lives, even though you were constantly rooting for them to get it together. 

For those of you who don't know the premise, here it is in a nutshell.  The Fisher and Sons funeral home was operated by the late Nathaniel Fisher, Sr. until a mack truck ended his life in the series' pilot. The action of SFU centers around the remaining four members of the Fisher family and their lovers, friends and miscellaneous cohorts.  They are:

• Ruth Fisher – the family matriarch, played by the unbe-fucking-lievable Frances Conroy.  After the death of her husband, she's constantly trying to make up for a lifetime spent making potato salad and raising the kids.  I really admire Conroy's performance the most. Ruth is snippy and tightly wound, but given to flights of girlishness and adventure.  Conroy just balances it all really well.
• Nate Fisher, Jr. – the eldest son, played by former Sports Night hottie Peter Krause.  Ne'er-do-well and aging hippie, Nate lives in the shadow of his namesake and is pulled, kicking and screaming, back into the family business.  While the show is basically an ensemble drama, if there had to be a protagonist it'd be Nate.  He's immature and feels too much, but is a big enough softie that he's willing to move back to LA for his family.
• David Fisher – the middle child, played by the amazing Michael C. Hall. David is the poster child for repression.  Just as tightly wound as his mother (more?), David begins the series in the closet (dating "big black sex cop" Keith) and psychotically devoted to the family business. David's character arc is one of the most topsy-turvy, taking a jaw-dropping turn in the fourth season as he undergoes a traumatic experience.
• Claire Fisher – the doe-eyed little girl starts out as an angst-ridden teenager and spirals into a freewheeling artist. All of the Fishers are pretty self-obsessed, but Claire takes it to a whole new level.  Still, she's also the most honest one in the whole family, even when she's being a brat.

There's a huge cast of supporting characters including Rico, the Fisher's diminutive mortician, and Brenda, Nate's on-again/off-again beau.  They're all rich and well-played, entering and exiting storylines naturally over the course of the series.

So, why do I love this show?

Patricia Arquette, just cut it out.  Will ya?